Still Dumbstruck

I am still absolutely dumbstruck by the events of 6/1. For those of you who haven't heard on the news, an EF03 tornado ripped through western MA in a 39 mile path of sheer destruction. I have family and friends in every single affected town and city, and the tornado missed them all by as little as a half mile and my house by about 8 miles. By sheer dumb fucking luck, we were all either just to the south or north of the tornado's path.

My former stomping grounds from my teenage years are all but totally leveled. People have lost everything. Again, by dumb fucking luck, only 4 people were killed. One of them, a mother, was killed when she acted as human shield over her 15 year-old daughter as their house came down on top of them. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.

I've seen many people on the news and on Facebook talking about how they prayed for God to spare them and their homes, and how it was a "miracle" they came through unscathed. I am amazed at the cognitive dissonance that belief requires. It has taken all of my self-control not to ask - do you somehow think you prayed harder or had more faith than the people who lost everything? Do you think you deserved to be spared and those affected didn't? How can you possibly believe in and justify the actions of a god who would do something like that?

Don't get me wrong - I'm sure that if my house had been in the path and I was forced to take cover in the basement, shielding my baby from flying debris, glass, and mother nature's blind-ass fury, you'd probably catch me, an Atheist, praying my ass off too. I think that's just human nature in the face of impending doom - not necessarily praying to a god, but to anything, everything that might be listening - even the tornado itself - "Please Mr. Tornado, please spare my baby, I am BEGGING you PLEASE!" - throwing your will and desperation out there to the universe and hoping it sticks somehow.

But then if you ARE spared, if you are one of the lucky ones, how can you possibly sit there and say, out loud no less, that "God" saw fit to save YOU because he heard your prayers somehow over the prayers of thousands of others praying just as feverishly and desperately as you?

I am dumbstruck by all of it. The destruction, the violence of it, the terror I went through calling my family members and saying "There's a tornado heading straight for your house!!!!!" while I'm watching the shit happen on the news. Being in a panic the entire rest of the evening with every rumble of thunder, every flash of lightning, a yellow-orange foreboding sky above - the whole time saying to myself "But this shit doesn't happen HERE! Not HERE!!!"

And I've been having nightmares about it ever since. As someone who truly loved thunderstorms my entire life, I don't think I will ever see them the same way again. Ever.

If Only

There needs to be a place where, on those days, you can just drop your child (or children) off and know that he or she is in very safe, capable hands until whenever you decide to return.

Image taken from Hollands Jewelers Blog

You know what I'm talking about - a place you can put them when you're seriously on the verge of losing your shit. Where you don't have to call first. You just show up with your frazzled self, hand off the little brat, and come back to pick them up whenever you're feeling better.

I started thinking up some names for such a place:

"Mental Health Day"care

The Sanity Asylum

The Sanity Sandbox

Take a Penny, Leave a Suzie

The Kiddie Kennel

Minor Retreat

The Rest Stop

Whine to Wine

Yes, JLK is being kind of an asshole right now. It's been one of those days and I won't lie, I was fantasizing about what it would be like to have the ability to drop D off somewhere and be like "I'll be back in a few days" and head off to the shore or something for some peace and fucking quiet.

An accurate representation of what my day would have looked like. If I had earplugs.

Please don't get me wrong. I love my son dearly. But today was a nonstop whine- and shriek-fest and I thought my head was going to explode when it was barely 2pm. I kept coming back to the same thought: "When your baby has colic, you tell yourself 'He's just a baby, it's not his fault, it's his only way of communicating.' But at what point can you comfortably acknowledge that he's just a brat sometimes? 11 months? 2 years?"

When does it become okay (in your own head or otherwise) to be like "Okay, kid. Now you're just being a douchebag"?

And I was also thinking what a better place this world would be if moms could go to a neighbor (or anyone else they know and trust, for that matter) and say "I'm about to lose my shit. Can you please take this child before I sell him in exchange for a bus ticket to Hoboken?" and feel okay about it. Feel like a better parent for recognizing her limits and taking a break when needed. Feel like it's okay to take a moment (or 10) for yourself every once in awhile.

As I put D down to bed tonight, my final thought was this:

"Fuck, would it be nice to paint my toenails in the middle of the day again."

Ooooh. If only........

Frustrated by The Crazies

Thanks, Mompetition, for pointing this one out. I thought I was done with Blossom's bullshit, but she keeps shoveling it onto the Internetz:

First, read THIS STEAMING PILE

Then, read THIS AWESOME PIECE OF BLOGGY GOODNESS

Here's my comment on Valerie's post:

All I could think when reading her goddamn awful post was that there is a difference between letting your children learn at their own pace, and letting them learn at YOUR pace. She said in her first blog about being an attachment parent that she believes in "wearing" your children - as often as possible, as much as possible. 

Common sense (as well as my degree in psychology) suggests to me that perhaps carrying your child around everywhere is the reason he didn't walk until he was 17 months old. Or roll over until he was a year old. 

GAH! I hate extreme parenting!!!! I believe in letting kids be kids while teaching them the things they need to know in order to be good, responsible, independent adults. I just can't imagine purposely hindering my kid's development and then justifying that hindrance - calling it child-centered anything!

The balls! The BALLS OF BLOSSOM!!!

Screw You, Bravo

I don't have cable anymore. We stopped paying for it as soon as we realized that nearly everything you get on cable that's worth a damn can be watched online for free. That perspective really makes it feel like you've been pissing $100 out a window for awhile, right?

Right.

So we cancelled cable, and thanks to sites like Hulu.com and ComedyCentral.com, I get to watch pretty much everything and anything I find interesting anytime I want.

Except for one stupid fucking network.

Yeah, I'm looking at you, Bravo. You asshole. (Or azul, as Domestic Diva might say.)

See, I got hooked on Bravo's shitty reality TV while I was home with a newborn all last summer. The Real Housewives, Rachel Zoe (who's pregnant! Yippee!), Top Chef, Millionaire Matchmaker. You name it, I probably watched it. And my husband made fun of me for it.

But apparently Bravo thinks their shit is too good to be watched for free online. Which is ridiculous when you consider all they do, all week long, is run mini-marathons of their shitty shows over. And Over. AND OVER AGAIN.

I've been pissed about this for awhile. "Watch full episodes online for free anytime at BravoTV.com!" Fuck you, liars. I've already written to Bravo about this issue.

The bastards put totally random-ass episodes up online for free. Never in order, never on the same day of the week. And then they pull them after like 2 weeks.

What prompted this particular rant?

The fact that I received an update to let me know that The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion: PART TWO!!!!! was now available to watch online.

Not part one. That was never available. Not the season finale, which I also have not seen. Not even the last 2-3 episodes of the season, which they also have never put up.

I hate you, Bravo. You got me addicted and now only give me random fixes at your whim.

So there, Bravo! Put that in your Full Episodes Player and smoke it!

Feeling Inclined To Share

I know many of you could use an outlet such as this.

And I know many of you who can certainly appreciate an outlet such as this. (PhysioProf, here's looking at you ;)  )

So check it out, and tell her I sent ya. Start with the "About" page if you don't know what a mushroom print is.

Mushroom Printing

Mommy Needs a GD Nap

I started to write the post I really want to write the other day while D was down for a nap. I no sooner had typed the title in the appropriate box that I heard him wake up.

Dammit.

And then, the past few days have been straight. From. Hell.

My beautiful, darling child has had an amazing nap and sleep schedule for months now. I would typically get 3-4 short naps or 1-2 long ones every day, plus 7-8 hrs straight at night. I thrived on the predictability of his routine.

But then, this week he decided "Fuck this, Mama. I hate sleeping. I hate everything you do to try to get me to relax." And then he whines All. Damn. Day. Because he's overtired. And so am I. So we basically spend the day whining at each other.

It's great. Lots of discovery learning going on at my house. Grrrrrr........


2 hours of sleep last night for me total. No good naps for either of us today.

But he's asleep now, I hope to god he stays that way until at least 6am. In the meantime, I am going to bed. The post about my trash-picking tyke will have to wait another day.

This Post Has Been Brewing....

Some may think I'm being brazen, given that my child is still unborn and yet I have very strong opinions on this topic. Brazen or not, I have given a lot of thought to and done a lot of research on this issue.

First, to get you caught up, please check out this article.

Part One: The Parent Police

I hate people who think they have the right, responsibility, or reason to tell a parent how they should raise their children. FUCK you. That's my opinion on these assholes. Choosing not to breastfeed is not a mortal sin. Letting your 9 yr old child ride the subway alone in a city with the 297th (or some crazy number like that) lowest crime rate in the country does not mean you deserve to be in jail. Feeling a bit resentful that getting pregnant requires you to give up your body, your mind, drinking, smoking, and the other fucktillion things that warrant vigilance does not mean you're a selfish person and shouldn't have children. Fuck you assholes who believe you have the right to say otherwise.

The GUILT that has been imposed on parents in this country is the primary culprit for the insanity that has taken hold of parenting practices in the last decade. The secondary culprit is the spreading of the nonsense belief that there is such a thing as a PERFECT parent.

BULLSHIT.

Which brings me to....

Part Two: Fundamentalist Parenting

What is it with extremes in this world? When did we decide that we could learn how to raise children by reading books written by strangers?

The child-worshipping culture that has emerged is no doubt harmful and handicapping to an entire generation of children who can't handle failure and are unable to make their own decisions, and who feel entitled to having no boundaries. These kids are likely to be useless adults - with finger-pointing as their favorite hobby.

And now we have what's being called "Free Range Parenting." First, I should say that this particular parenting style is a gazillion times closer to the kind of parent I want to be than the so-called "helicopter" parenting.

But, The Hypocrisy!!!

"Become a "Free Range Parent! Learn why this is the BEST way to raise your child! Buy the book! Buy the CD! Read the blog and the newsletter! Buy the t-shirts and the 'best' handmade classic toys!"

Once again, we need someone ELSE to tell us how to raise our children! And we wonder why douchebags in the park feel entitled to judge your non-organic snacks!

Part 3: The Good Old Days

This is my favorite email forward ever. I've had it for almost 4 years and never fail to be reminded of it when I think about becoming a parent. Enjoy and please feel free to comment.

"TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's, AND EARLY 80'S!!


First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because.....

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!


Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned....

HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!"

Vaccinations and Insanity

I support Amy Wallace:

http://www.wired.com/magazine/2009/10/ff_waronscience/

Perhaps the aspect of this so-called "debate" that I find most fascinating and frustrating is its lack of pre-existing platform. Eg., it's not a conservative versus liberal or Republican versus Democrat or northern versus southern kind of debate. There is no pattern of irrationality to be discerned - just one, single, stupid, fucking, poisonous, pandemic idea that is grasped by some and ridiculed by others.

The foundation problem, as I see it, is that when parents find out that something is wrong with their child, they need to find someone to blame - some semblance of control they can regain over their lives. That someone to blame can't be themselves, not entirely. And random bouts of unfairness in life is just an unacceptable idea - surely there must be a REASON!

I've mentioned before in my blog how I feel about yuppie, child-worshipping, paranoid, Lysol wipe-obsessed parents. Did I forget to say selfish? My bad.

Parents nowadays have this irrational fear of germs and dirt. It is selfish. They don't want their children to get sick. Of course this doesn't sound selfish at the outset, who wants to see a little one feeling miserable? But if you try to save your child from being sick as a child when they can stay home and be cared for by an adult, they WILL spend much of their adult life being sick instead because you never let their immune system develop. And I think that's selfish. And it's all about control.

You cannot control anything in this life except for your own behavior. If your child is autistic, there is a pretty good goddamn chance that there was nothing you or anyone else could have done to prevent it. We don't know yet what causes autism - shit, there is still debate over what, exactly, autism IS. But if you begin with major distrust of the medical community that is trying to help you, how can we ever make progress toward understanding, treating, and preventing autism?

But beyond that - you have no right to endanger my life or the life of my children because of your personal beliefs in celebrity tales of woe. How many children have to die? How many is ENOUGH for you before you realize that you are playing with fire? If Jenny McCarthy believed her child was strangled by swimmies, would you throw your child into the pool without them and hope they learn how to swim really quickly?

The utter lack of common sense in this country right now is staggering. This whole belief that correlation equals causation, the lack of understanding of how probabilities work - are so many of you really that uneducated? Do we need to start a mandatory statistics and probability course for adults in this country?

Why does everything have to have that flavor of hysteria?

Less than an hour from now I will be getting the H191 vaccine. I originally had no intention of getting it, because I was more concerned about making sure the most vulnerable populations had the vaccine available to them. And, I won't lie, I had some concerns about the safety of it, given how quickly the FDA approved it and sent it to market.

But my job requires me to spend a lot of time in schools across my state. And several of them have closed down recently due to H191 breakouts in which huge numbers of kids were sick with the virus. I am also 8 weeks pregnant. That fact combined with my job puts me in an extremely high risk group. When I started to see that the virus had come to my neighborhood and then found out I was pregnant, it was no longer a question of "if" - it was a question of "when."

It is my responsibility to make sure my baby (even if it is the size of a raspberry) is as safe and healthy as possible, and sometimes you need the numbers game in order to make that decision. But in order to do that, you have to make sure you know what the numbers mean. When the virus was in Mexico, I wasn't worried about it. But when it came to New England and started hitting hard, the minute risk became justified.

All you can ever do is make the best decision you can using the information that is available to you at the time. Moms smoked and drank and did god knows what else while pregnant right up until the 90's. The vast majority of us were born healthy and turned out just fine. Does that mean it's okay or safe to smoke and drink while pregnant now? (I wish.) No, and the Pregnancy Police will be sure to point out every reproductive felony you commit, rest assured.

The point is that your unvaccinated children are dying. And you are risking the infection of children who are not yours. Do you really want to send the message that a dead child is better than an autistic child?

Because that, my dear readers, is fucked up no matter which way you try to spin it.

Unexpected Twists and...Christianity Internalized?

We thought we were all set. The condo was sold, we had found a house we loved, A was finally home from the military and we were all like "Let it rock, baby!"

But then there were issues with his job status that were going to keep us from getting a mortgage. And we thought we were fucked because of the contract on the condo - we were going to have to move in November no matter what. We had nowhere else to live and about a million things were up in the air - could we get the house? Were we totally unable to get the house? Was he going to get this new job that he really wants or wasn't he? WTF were we THINKING, anyway??

We were about ready to kill each other from the overload of stress. I formed a habit of hiding out in a bubble bath for as long as possible as soon as I got home from work. He spaced out in front of a marathon of Supernatural episodes. We drank too much, smoked too much, and argued too much.

And then today, we got word that the condo didn't appraise as high as we needed it to. We could take an additional loss and continue to sell it to our current buyer. We could let the buyer go and reduce the asking price to fit the appraisal. My husband texted me these options while I was on the road, and I responded:

"Take it off the market. And thank god for small favors."

What we needed more than anything else was time. The condo wasn't supposed to sell in 3 weeks. We weren't supposed to need to close on it before A found a new job. We needed time just to find the ducks, let alone get them in a row.

And time is what was granted to us today - in a form that most home-sellers would consider a major setback.

So thank you, Universal Chaos, for working in our favor this time. I raise my margarita glass to you in salute.

On another note, I had a very strange and unexpected reaction to a plot line in one of A's episodes of Supernatural. Now I don't actually watch this show. I was reading a book about Chicago hookers at the turn of the century and the information from the episode came to me peripherally.

Basically, the archangels of Christianity were coming down to earth searching for human "vessels" so they could fight a war against Lucifer and bring about the apocalypse. But they were total assholes - giving one of the brothers stomach cancer as a torture method to get their way, being more concerned with relieving themselves of the responsibility of running heaven than with the suffering and death they were about to bring to the humans on earth, etc.

Michael, Raphael, Gabriel - they were all part of this plot. And they were all dicks.

And this really, deeply, bothered me.

Might I remind you, I am an Atheist. A Catholic-born one, but an Atheist nonetheless. So the fact that it bothered me, bothered me even more.

But my reaction to it was "WTF? The archangels are the protectors of mankind. They are supposed to be the embodiment of kindness, perfect love, and compassion! What the hell kind of bullshit are these writers trying to spin??"

And then I gagged in my mouth a little for even having that reaction.

My grandmother, when I was growing up, was very into the stories of the angels. She claimed to have seen them, and spun fantastical tales of the presence of angels on earth. When I was 4 or 5 years old, I spent every night praying feverishly, asking for an angel to come to me. Obviously, no one ever showed up. I was very upset that my grandmother could see angels and I couldn't. Really, this was probably the first domino to drop in my long and twisting path to Atheism.

The best explanation that I can come up with is that my feelings were aroused in the same way that they are when a beloved fairytale or novel is bastardized for television or the movies. It's not that I believe in angels, but goddammit, you're going to characterize them in the way they were meant to be and has always been told! As in, Michael is supposed to be the most beautiful, most powerful, and most loving angel that ever existed - not some douchebag that smites people for not conforming to his will.

But still. Strange, huh?

Rx Drugs

I started taking wellbutrin SR last week to help me quit smoking, as it worked 6 years ago. (I started again after beginning my career in outside sales.)

I've had the side effects that I remember from last time - can't sleep for shit during the first week of taking it twice a day, my left hand shakes if I hold it a certain way, I feel jittery and jumpy, and have the occasional dizzy spell. Last time I was on it, all of these were gone by the end of the first month. 

Anyway, because a new side effect has started up (severe night sweats), I wanted to look up the patient info to verify that this was in fact a side effect of the wellbutrin. So I googled it. One of the sites I decided to look at has firsthand experiences of people taking particular medications. I was bored, so I said what the hell, I'll read through some of these. 

OMG. The first whole page is people who are taking wellbutrin and prozac at the same time. The second page is people who are like "Yeah, my doctor gave me atavan (sp?) to help with the sleeplessness, but now he's taken it away permanently :-(" and "I've been on wellbutrin for 7 months, and at night I take it with 10mg of valium, and now my doctor wants me to try seroquel in addition, even though it's an antipsychotic and I'm not psychotic."

It contains advice such as "If you're getting the jitters, you should ask your doctor for klonipan, because it worked for me while I was on the wellbutrin." Or "I recommend taking a Xanax at night if the jitters keep you up." Or "The prozac + wellbutrin killed my sex life, so my doctor gave me an Rx for Viagra." One person said "I like getting the jitters and the energy on wellbutrin - it has taken away my daily desire for cocaine which I quit 7 years ago."

OMG, the PILL POPPING in this country!!!!! Taking medications to treat the side effects of medications!! 

I have never met a doctor in my LIFE that would give someone who was on wellbutrin for depression a prescription for valium. Talk about begging for an addiction!

Now I personally have never gone to a doctor to ask for a medication to treat a side effect of a medication. I HAVE gone to the doctor and said, "I hate the side effects of this medication. Is there something else we can try instead?" I'm not judging the people who ask for it, but at the same time I wonder if we just walk around with the expectation that we should never feel uncomfortable for any reason. 

We as a society seem to believe that there is a pill to solve every problem we have in life. People no longer balance priorities and make decisions that way - they think they are entitled to have everything and shouldn't have to decide. 

For example, wellbutrin is known as the "sex-friendly" antidepressant, whereas the SSRIs tend to kill your sex drive or ability to perform. But wellbutrin has the side effect of increasing anxiety, something that Prozac can fix.

I look at it this way: what's more important, sex life or experiencing anxiety? I'd take the anxiety, hands-down. But the men on this thread chose to take both wellbutrin and prozac, plus viagra, while the women who are taking both wellbutrin and prozac are complaining that there IS NO viagra for women! They're bitching about not having that third option! STOP TAKING THE PROZAC AND DO SOME GODDAMN YOGA!!!!!!!

I feel sorry for these people. It makes me wonder about the psychiatrists. I personally chose not to take that career path because I have always thought of them as primarily drug dealers. Which I get - they are trained in medicine (diagnose and treat), and since psychologists can't prescribe medication, most patients of psychiatrists are there for only one reason - to get the Rx for the meds. They get their therapy elsewhere. 

I just resent this social climate of "Oh, you have a problem? We have a pill for that! Oh, taking that pill makes you nauseous? We have a pill for that too!"

I am never going to message boards to find out about experiences with medication again. It's too depressing. And I'm already on a pill for that.

Terrified

I really wanted to talk to my husband about this, but I didn't get a chance today. There isn't really anyone in my life that knows about this and I'd prefer to keep it that way, so here I am talking to you folks. I hope you don't mind. And if you do mind, then feel free to click out at the point of TMI. I promise, I won't be offended. 

My husband left in March, as many of you know. I visited him Memorial Day weekend. When I came back, I stopped taking the Pill. We talked about it, and figured we'd just see what happens until mid-October, and then I'd go back on the Pill if nothing happened. I kinda dug this approach - it's almost like a non-decision. 

But today I went for my annual OB/GYN visit. They of course asked, "Are you still taking the Seasonale?" and I had to say no. Next question: "Oh! Are you trying to get pregnant?" My response, "Well, not really. We're just not trying to NOT get pregnant."

Next thing I knew I was being handed a bag full of pre-natal vitamin samples for me to try, then to call them when I decide which one I like. I freaked my husband out though, lol. I texted him with "And so now apparently I am taking Rx prenatal vitamins." And he was like "WTF?" LOL. 

So as I'm waiting for the CNP to come in and do the exam (my doctor is on maternity leave), I pick up the first magazine I grab next to the exam table. It's "Conceive" magazine. I start flipping through it, and I find myself bombarded by ads for sperm banks, egg donor agencies, prenatal vitamins, pregnancy pillows. Images of pregnant women, babies, new moms, cribs, etc. 

I had an anxiety attack. At first I was like "Wow, I can't imagine wanting something so badly that I would turn to an article about Feng Shui for fertility." (No offense to those of you who have gone through fertility treatments and all that - no judgment here.) But then I was like "Holy SHIT! WTF am I DOING???? What is wrong with me??? Am I on crack???"

I want to be a mom. I just don't want to be pregnant. I am terrified of the idea of spending 40 weeks knowing that I have just made the most permanent decision EVER. I miss the days of believing that storks brought babies to lucky couples. I'm scared that it will change who I am, that I will become someone who cares about nothing but her child. I don't want to be a Stepford Wife. I want to be Dr. Mom. 

A big part of it too is that even though I consciously know that I'm 26, I still feel like I'm 16 - when pregnancy was just the most horrific thing I could imagine. I am still scared to tell my parents, even knowing that my mom WANTS me to have kids. In fact, (I don't know if I posted this before), she recently said to me: "Are you guys planning to start trying to have a baby anytime soon? Because you ARE 26, and, I mean, not that that's old or anything, but....you know."

I can picture myself as a mom. I can't picture or imagine myself pregnant. It's almost like I'm too much of a tomboy or something, I don't know. I'm not crazy about the idea of not being able to just do what I want when I want anymore, but the fact is that I don't do shit NOW, so I'll never know the difference. But still. It's just so FINAL. 

I must seem so childish and silly. Is it weird to feel like I'm ready to be a mom but not ready to be pregnant? It seems really weird to me. 

And it's all so STUPID. Because I'll only be off the Pill until mid-October, and then if nothing has happened I'm going back on it until next summer. I know the chances of something happening in a month and a half period are pretty low, but like a friend of mine said "It only takes 30 seconds."

And if I DO find myself knocked up this fall, will I be able to concentrate on grad school apps? If I go for interviews, are they going to see a pregnant chick and be like "fuck this"? It's moments like this when I feel like I should've just gone to R2 - one of their students had a baby in her first semester of grad school and was about to defend her thesis. 

Am I setting myself up for failure? Or setting myself up for settling? What if I get pregnant, and 6 months into it I'm like "OMG, WTF was I thinking? I can't do this!"

I'm freakin' terrified. But I think I probably always will be. I don't know. 

Nutrition Facts

Did you know that Cracklin' Oat Bran (my favorite cereal ever) has more calories, more fat, and more sugar than Fruity Pebbles (my second favorite cereal ever)?

Did you know that a glass of 1% milk contains 12g of sugars? How is that even possible? 

No wonder this country has such widespread weight problems. Even when you think you're making healthy choices, you're totally not. That's fucked up. 

I get that things need to taste good, I really do. But we don't even have the option of something that is truly healthy. Whole-grain foods have a higher calorie content and often a higher level of sodium. If something is low-fat, it contains a shit-ton of sugar or sodium. If something is low-sodium, it contains a shit-ton of fat. If something is low sodium AND low-fat, it's chicken broth and you need to make something out of it. 

I mean how are we, as a nation, supposed to get and stay healthy when something called "Cracklin' Oat Bran" has more sugar than a children's cereal called "Fruity Pebbles?"

That reminds me, I need to go check my Fruity Pebbles box to see if there's a prize inside....

Getting Ripped Off On Student Loans

I am wicked pissed off right now at Sallie Mae. The DAY that my student loan was disbursed to MRU, I started paying on it even though I didn't have to. My grace period ended this month, as I am no longer in school full-time. But I have made 20 payments without actually needing to. 

Now, maybe I just really suck at math, but I feel like having paid $1,000 (literally) on a loan with a 6% interest rate on a balance of $8500 ($4250 for the first 4 months of payments) should have brought my principal balance down by more than just $70. 

Can I seriously be paying $50 a MONTH in finance charges on a student loan?? Because if so, that's fucking RIDICULOUS. How does anyone ever pay this shit off??? 

I sent them an email like "WTF???" and they replied with some generic email including the equation for calculating simple interest loans. I am not fucking sitting here and doing the math out. 

I am also pissed off that the incentive for paying on time (1% interest drop for every 12 months of on-time payments) does not include payments made ahead of schedule. 

Student loans are such a fucking racket. When I was in college in 2000-2001, the interest rates on student loans were like 3%. One of the two loans I had to take out this time gave me an interest rate of 8.6%. That's higher than the interest rate was on my CAR. And I have a credit score of 790!!!!!

I am so mad. 

But on the bright side, I got my car back today!!!!!!!! 

At The Edge of Insanity

I'm guessing that at some point, my readers got sick of me talking about my personal life because my readership is definitely down these days. 

But it's my blog, so fuck it. 

I think the car accident pushed me to the edge of insanity. I was doing okay with the husband being gone, I was hanging in there. Then the major changes came down from my company and I was upset for a couple of days and got over it. But then that woman ran the stop sign, taking my car away from me, and I lost my shit. 

I've been really nervous driving for the first time in my life. I see people constantly doing stupid shit - running stop signs and red lights, pulling out into oncoming traffic, etc. And I get really, really angry because their stupidity is compromising MY safety and well-being. 

My little sister has become a traffic vigiliante, which I love. She got herself some glass chalk, and when someone parks all crooked and what not in the parking lot at her work, she'll write things like "You park like an asshole" on their driver's side window. Guess what. You can't just wipe that shit off with your sleeve, which means that person had to drive home with that written on their car. Public humiliation is a great deterrant to doing stupid things. My sister is a genius. 

The other day I saw a woman trying to park this big-ass SUV. I don't remember what it was, but it was much, much, much bigger than mine and much taller. Like a Ford Explorer on full-size truck tires or something. Either way, she couldn't park the damn thing even though the space next to her was vacant. All I could think was if I had some glass chalk, I would wait for her to go inside, and then write on the car window "If you can't park it, you shouldn't drive it."

Seriously, I could spend my whole summer driving around watching for stupid and reckless people and then write messages on their car windows telling them what fucking douchebags they are. I'm considering making it my new hobby. 

Anyway, so yesterday my nerves were all sorts of shot from driving around in my mom's car and people just driving around me like this town is the site of a demolition derby. I come home to discover that Husband's Scary Reptile is hungry. Which means I have to feed it. Which means I have to open the cage and insert dead animals. Which means I have to put my life at risk for a few minutes. Yikes. 

I didn't have the dead animals to feed her last night and planned to go get them today (which I did). She was all sorts of active in her cage, and while I was trying to sleep last night it suddenly occurred to me that she might break out of her cage in order to get some food. Husband has assured me multiple times that she can't break out of this cage, but I'm not so sure. And we have cats. For scary reptile, cats = food. Their litter box is down in the basement where scary reptile is kept. In my extreme anxiety, I felt the need to go downstairs, get the litterbox, bring it upstairs, and lock the cat door so the cats can't get to the basement. Just in case. Only then was I able to sleep. 

But today I have to feed her once the dead animals are dethawed. And I am very, very nervous about doing this. I am making Husband call me and I am going to put him on speaker phone while I do it. I figure if I stop responding to him, he'll know something is wrong and can hang up and dial 911 and animal control. 

Fuck. I really want him to get rid of this pet. I can't deal with losing sleep over it anymore. 

So right now I am nervous to drive, depressed because I don't have my car or my husband, anxious about feeding this damned reptile, and on the border of going insane. 

And if I get the job at SFRSHS West, I will have to MOVE this scary reptile to the other side of the country. My heart pounds just at the thought. 

Add A Car Accident to The Week From Hell

As if I needed one of those. Some lady ran a stop sign at a T-intersection where I had the right of way because she couldn't see beyond a tractor trailer in the right lane when I was in the left, and I slammed into her. I'm okay, I think, but now that the adrenaline is wearing off my shoulder seems kinda sore.

But my car is not okay. The entire front bumper came off, the driver's side headlight is destroyed, and some big piece of metal is all bent around my driver's side front tire. I am very shaken up right now.

Why am I blogging, you ask? Because I walked home from the scene, made all the phone calls I needed to make, everyone is working so I can't talk to anyone and I can't work either.

And why is it that as soon as you pay off a car, everyone starts hitting it? My car had never been in an accident while I was paying on it for 5 years. I paid it off last year and it's been hit 4 times since then, NEVER my fault! WTF?!

And of course my husband isn't here. If he was, he would leave work and come home to be with me and help me sort all of this shit out, but I can't even get him on the phone until 6.

***Update*** - should I not work out today? I ask because my shoulder is definitely sore and I know I'm going to hurt tomorrow, so should I just avoid exercise until I see how bad this is going to feel in the morning? Or might it be good for me.....?

Motherfucking Hell of a Day

It is 5:12pm and I am on my second cocktail. That should give you some idea of how this day has gone.

Remember that "organizational announcements" conference call that I mentioned last week? Yeah, well that call was to announce that my company is closing half of its regions and laying off a shitload of people. My job, thankfully, is safe. So while I felt extremely badly for the people who lost their jobs, I didn't let it upset me too much. Every year they do some shit like this. This particular year just happened to be the worst so far.

But today I had another conference call with the other members of my sales team and our boss. It was mostly talking about the game plan for our "new" region and blah blah blah. Out of nowhere, my boss says "Is JLK on this call?" I took the phone off mute and said "Yeah, I'm here."

She then said "Just so you know, your new territory is State That You Live In But Don't Work In." I was a little taken aback and asked "Does that mean I no longer cover State I Have Worked In This Entire Time?" She said "Correct." I then started asking questions about what, exactly, that meant in terms of work relationships and all that. She responded to me like a mother trying to calm down an upset child, and I wasn't even upset. I asked, "Who is going to cover SIHWITET?" She replied, "Let's wait until everyone finds out about their new territories and we can discuss this then."

WTF? You tell ME on a conference call about my new territory, but don't share any other info with anyone else? She then changed the subject to what is so great about our region - the relationships that we've worked to build with our customers. I was appalled and made the mistake of piping up with "But I've spent 3.5 years building relationships with my customers and you just told me that I am no longer their rep!"

Apparently in my company, this constitutes being "an emotional bitch." Because 15 minutes after this call ended I received a phone call from the regional manager - my boss's boss. I was told that I am lacking "professional maturity" and that I shouldn't have been so "emotional" on a conference call in front of the team. I was also told that I am "selfish" because "at least you have a job."

It turned into this whole fucking unnecessary drama that ended with the regional manager wanting me to verify my whereabouts to explain why I needed to hang up on the original call. I have never had to PROVE where I was to management. EVER. He thought that I just hung up on the call in a tizzy and made up an excuse about seeing a customer in order to justify it.

I am so fucking pissed off right now I don't even know what to do. My boss calls me out on a conference call to tell me that I have been moved into what used to be a different region, I'm not allowed to ask questions, and I'm being "emotional" by doing so??? FUCK YOU, Company I Work For!!!!

I realize that I have always had the kind of tone in my voice that causes people to think I'm being bitchy when in fact I'm not. I get that. But all I could think was "If you knew HALF of the shit I WANT to say to you right now, you might have more respect for my fucking level of restraint! How DARE you question whether I was actually seeing a customer or not??"

Fuck corporate America, seriously. I have completely fucking had it with this bullshit. I'm tired of fearing for my job and having a minor heart attack every time a conference call is scheduled at the end of May, right before our new fiscal year starts. With the performance I have put into this job, I would have tenure in academia. I feel AWFUL for the people who lost their jobs due to the fucking greedy-ass shareholders of my company, but don't tell me that I'm not allowed to be upset because I should be "grateful" that I have a fucking job. Go fuck yourself.

JLK On The Treadmill

Brain: "Alright, I can totally do this. I can totally run for this whole song! This isn't so bad..."

Lungs: "Are you fucking kidding me?? Make it stop! Please, I beg you.....make it STOP! It huuurrrrtttsss!!!"

Brain: "But it's GOOD for you! You should love this! We're clearing out all the crap you've accumulated so you can breathe again!"

Lungs: "Breathe? You're a smoker for fuck's sake! Now stop screwing around and get off this thing so we can go have a cigarette."

Brain: "No. Keep going."

Heart: "You asshole. I hate you. I HATE YOU! Do you hear me???"

Brain: "I'm sorry, but it's good for you too. Can't you just cooperate with me?"

Heart: "Fuck you. So help me god, if you don't turn this thing down to 3mph RIGHT NOW I will kill you where you stand!"

Brain: "Noooooo goddammit! 45 more seconds! FUCK!"

Heart: "THUMP THUMP THUMP......that's your death march sounding, jackass...."

Brain: "Aaaah.......see? That wasn't so bad, was it? All done now!"

Heart: "Fuck you, JLK. Fuck you in the neck."

Lungs: "I hope you choke. In fact, here's a little help...."

Yup. Every other night I go through this shit. But this is my first screenplay on the subject.

Motherfucking Pharma Part II

I was so worked up about the cost of that gel yesterday that I forget to tell you about this little gem:

Latisse

Yup, for $100 every six weeks you can have longer, thicker eyelashes via a prescription medication. 

And it works. The PA's in the doctor's office showed me their own before & after pictures. 

Someone, somewhere, took an assload of research $ and used it to develop a drug that would make our eyelashes grow, while I'm paying $400 for an antibiotic gel for my face. 

And the really sad part is? I kind of want it. 

Motherfucking Pharma

I went to a doctor's appointment this morning. I was given an Rx for Ziana, which is clindamycin phosphate 1.2% & tretinoin 0.025%. (Long story short, I went in to make sure I didn't have skin cancer, turns out I have a mild problem with cystic acne - yay for being 26.)

Anyway - I go to the pharmacy to get the script filled. When I come back to pick it up, the pharmacy tech looks at the paperwork and goes "Yikes! Don't you have insurance?"

I was like "Hell the fuck yeah I have insurance, chica. Pretty damn good insurance too."

She goes, "Well let me double check on this for you."

Turns out that this MOTHERFUCKING gel costs $400!!!!!!!!!! For 60 grams of it!!!!!!!!!

MOTHERFUCKING BOTOX IS CHEAPER!!! (At least at this dermatologist's office anyway)

So she calls my insurance company, and they try to say that I am "over the age limit for this medication."

WTF??

Awesome Pharmacy Tech manages to get a prior authorization or whatever and gets them to agree to cover it with a $50 co-pay. 

$50??? For a fucking topical antibiotic and what is essentially retinol???

The wonderful little receipt says "Your insurance saved you $346.95." How thoughtful of them. 

What the FUCK could possibly make this shit so expensive?? Someone, please tell me! 

Mind you, I have no problem with my insurance company on this issue. After all, one could argue that this type of medication is for elective cosmetic purposes. 

I mean, $400????? Who could blame them for not wanting to cover that shit??

I bet I could get it in Cuba for $1.75.......

I Hate Being Ignored

JLK's outbox (not actual quotes):

To: MRU Psych Dept Admin

Subject: Psi Chi

Dear MRU PDA,

      I recently received your email regarding Psi Chi inductions. I intended to pursue Psi Chi membership at MRU, but the timing of my psychology courses did not allow me to be eligible until this past December when I graduated. Am I still able to join, or is it too late because I already have my degree?

- JLK

(Sent over a month ago. Still no response. Deadline for Psi Chi inductions has passed.)

To: Professor X

Subject: Grad School Update

Dear Prof. X,

       I hope all is well. I recently checked the status of my application at Southern U, and it appears that they never received your letter of recommendation. I recall seeing a "received" status back in December when you confirmed with me that you sent them all out. Did you receive a confirmation email from the submission system that you could forward to me? I am concerned that they never reviewed my file because it was incomplete. Blah blah blah, other people have received word from SU, blah blah blah. Thank you again for writing on my behalf, blah blah blah.

- JLK

(Sent over a month ago. No response. Also no response to a follow-up email letting Professor X know the status of all my applications including SU.)

To: Grad Student Mentor

Subject: Manuscript

Dear GSM,

       In order for me to complete my portion of the article manuscript, I need to know if you are intending to include all of our data. At the conference, we only presented part 2 of the study. Are we including part 1 in the submission? Also, when would you like the draft completed by?

- JLK

(Sent 3+ weeks ago. No response.)

To: Rockstar Professor/Research Advisor

Subject: Research Project

Dear RP/RA,

      In your book, _____, you mention that no one has examined Z within framework Y. I would like to pursue this experimentally and I have an idea how it can be done. A recent review of the literature did not bring up any contributions to this issue. Do you know if I would still be able to do this at MRU, and if so, are you willing and able to serve as a guide to me during the creation and execution of the project? I would not require funding, but I would need access to resources A, B, and C at MRU. Upon completion, if the findings are relevant and significant, I would like to aim for submission this fall to Journal W or Journal S if you think that is a reasonable goal. 

- JLK

(Sent 3 weeks ago. No response.)

I know that my email is working just fine. I'm starting to think that people look at the sender in their inbox and say, "Eh, not this chick again."