Unexpected Twists and...Christianity Internalized?

We thought we were all set. The condo was sold, we had found a house we loved, A was finally home from the military and we were all like "Let it rock, baby!"

But then there were issues with his job status that were going to keep us from getting a mortgage. And we thought we were fucked because of the contract on the condo - we were going to have to move in November no matter what. We had nowhere else to live and about a million things were up in the air - could we get the house? Were we totally unable to get the house? Was he going to get this new job that he really wants or wasn't he? WTF were we THINKING, anyway??

We were about ready to kill each other from the overload of stress. I formed a habit of hiding out in a bubble bath for as long as possible as soon as I got home from work. He spaced out in front of a marathon of Supernatural episodes. We drank too much, smoked too much, and argued too much.

And then today, we got word that the condo didn't appraise as high as we needed it to. We could take an additional loss and continue to sell it to our current buyer. We could let the buyer go and reduce the asking price to fit the appraisal. My husband texted me these options while I was on the road, and I responded:

"Take it off the market. And thank god for small favors."

What we needed more than anything else was time. The condo wasn't supposed to sell in 3 weeks. We weren't supposed to need to close on it before A found a new job. We needed time just to find the ducks, let alone get them in a row.

And time is what was granted to us today - in a form that most home-sellers would consider a major setback.

So thank you, Universal Chaos, for working in our favor this time. I raise my margarita glass to you in salute.

On another note, I had a very strange and unexpected reaction to a plot line in one of A's episodes of Supernatural. Now I don't actually watch this show. I was reading a book about Chicago hookers at the turn of the century and the information from the episode came to me peripherally.

Basically, the archangels of Christianity were coming down to earth searching for human "vessels" so they could fight a war against Lucifer and bring about the apocalypse. But they were total assholes - giving one of the brothers stomach cancer as a torture method to get their way, being more concerned with relieving themselves of the responsibility of running heaven than with the suffering and death they were about to bring to the humans on earth, etc.

Michael, Raphael, Gabriel - they were all part of this plot. And they were all dicks.

And this really, deeply, bothered me.

Might I remind you, I am an Atheist. A Catholic-born one, but an Atheist nonetheless. So the fact that it bothered me, bothered me even more.

But my reaction to it was "WTF? The archangels are the protectors of mankind. They are supposed to be the embodiment of kindness, perfect love, and compassion! What the hell kind of bullshit are these writers trying to spin??"

And then I gagged in my mouth a little for even having that reaction.

My grandmother, when I was growing up, was very into the stories of the angels. She claimed to have seen them, and spun fantastical tales of the presence of angels on earth. When I was 4 or 5 years old, I spent every night praying feverishly, asking for an angel to come to me. Obviously, no one ever showed up. I was very upset that my grandmother could see angels and I couldn't. Really, this was probably the first domino to drop in my long and twisting path to Atheism.

The best explanation that I can come up with is that my feelings were aroused in the same way that they are when a beloved fairytale or novel is bastardized for television or the movies. It's not that I believe in angels, but goddammit, you're going to characterize them in the way they were meant to be and has always been told! As in, Michael is supposed to be the most beautiful, most powerful, and most loving angel that ever existed - not some douchebag that smites people for not conforming to his will.

But still. Strange, huh?

Holy Crap - Where Did The Time Go??

My last post was 8/25??? How on earth did that happen? Not to worry, folks, I am still alive. Just being a slacker where blogs are concerned.

On the homefront - A is now home, at least on the weekends. It's been great having him back, but I'm still so used to him not being here that every weekend feels like a major disruption to routine. It's nice - a wonderful alternative to the boring existence I had going on for so long. My FIL talked us out of buying the house I posted about. It had a major mold problem in the basement among other horrible things. We have found another house that we love, but A's in-between job status means we can't put an offer in yet because we have to make sure the financing is good to go. Either way, our condo is sold and we have to move in November regardless of whether we have a house or not. Here's hoping that we have a house.

Work/school - I am debating getting a master's in some variation of writing or communications. I feel like it's a good idea to apply while letters of rec are still fresh and available. We'll see what I'm thinking next month, because work has been absolutely crazy. I put 600 miles on my car last week alone! I am completely jaded by academia and social psychology - it's strange, the feeling is like a long-term love affair that just ended because we drifted apart or something. Or like I gave a marriage ultimatum, academia said "Sorry, I'm just not ready," and I said "Okay then, no hurt feelings, but I am moving on." Yeah, it's more like that.

My 100 book goal - I fell a bit behind because of Proust, but it's still achievable at this point. Just finished Swann's Way and decided that the rest of Proust will have to wait until I am bedridden or something. Right now I am reading The Lovely Bones, seeing as I am the last person on earth to read it. Next up are The Lost Symbol, Julie & Julia, and The Time Traveler's Wife, to give me a dose of things I can read and enjoy quickly. I plan to post the complete list toward New Year's, when I see my final progress.

Heads up to those of you who either love Jane Austen or can't stand her books - there are currently some young adult twists on her stories that are so completely twisted and fucked up that you just have to enjoy them - Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters, and Mr. Darcy, Vampire.

I think that's it for now. I was very excited to see that Bruce Hood himself commented on my book review of Supersense! Check it out if you haven't already!

AWOL

I know, I disappeared off the face of the earth. I haven't even been commenting on your blogs, let alone posting my own. If anyone noticed, I apologize for my neglect of the blogosphere. 

See, I made a last minute trip to visit my husband last week. Literally - I booked it on Monday, got on the plane Thursday morning and came back Tuesday. By the time I got back, I was so out of the habit of blogging that I just didn't even bother with it. 

But coming up I have a post on a book I just finished about why people believe in supernatural things. I thought it was incredibly interesting and I hope you will too. I also intend to blog about a pretty major personal decision that I have mostly made that many, if not all, of you will probably vehemently disagree with and try to talk me out of. 

And I may or may not blog about a medical issue that just came up for me in the past 24 hours that has pissed me off beyond belief and also scared me a little. We'll see. 

So I hope you'll stay tuned.

Terrified

I really wanted to talk to my husband about this, but I didn't get a chance today. There isn't really anyone in my life that knows about this and I'd prefer to keep it that way, so here I am talking to you folks. I hope you don't mind. And if you do mind, then feel free to click out at the point of TMI. I promise, I won't be offended. 

My husband left in March, as many of you know. I visited him Memorial Day weekend. When I came back, I stopped taking the Pill. We talked about it, and figured we'd just see what happens until mid-October, and then I'd go back on the Pill if nothing happened. I kinda dug this approach - it's almost like a non-decision. 

But today I went for my annual OB/GYN visit. They of course asked, "Are you still taking the Seasonale?" and I had to say no. Next question: "Oh! Are you trying to get pregnant?" My response, "Well, not really. We're just not trying to NOT get pregnant."

Next thing I knew I was being handed a bag full of pre-natal vitamin samples for me to try, then to call them when I decide which one I like. I freaked my husband out though, lol. I texted him with "And so now apparently I am taking Rx prenatal vitamins." And he was like "WTF?" LOL. 

So as I'm waiting for the CNP to come in and do the exam (my doctor is on maternity leave), I pick up the first magazine I grab next to the exam table. It's "Conceive" magazine. I start flipping through it, and I find myself bombarded by ads for sperm banks, egg donor agencies, prenatal vitamins, pregnancy pillows. Images of pregnant women, babies, new moms, cribs, etc. 

I had an anxiety attack. At first I was like "Wow, I can't imagine wanting something so badly that I would turn to an article about Feng Shui for fertility." (No offense to those of you who have gone through fertility treatments and all that - no judgment here.) But then I was like "Holy SHIT! WTF am I DOING???? What is wrong with me??? Am I on crack???"

I want to be a mom. I just don't want to be pregnant. I am terrified of the idea of spending 40 weeks knowing that I have just made the most permanent decision EVER. I miss the days of believing that storks brought babies to lucky couples. I'm scared that it will change who I am, that I will become someone who cares about nothing but her child. I don't want to be a Stepford Wife. I want to be Dr. Mom. 

A big part of it too is that even though I consciously know that I'm 26, I still feel like I'm 16 - when pregnancy was just the most horrific thing I could imagine. I am still scared to tell my parents, even knowing that my mom WANTS me to have kids. In fact, (I don't know if I posted this before), she recently said to me: "Are you guys planning to start trying to have a baby anytime soon? Because you ARE 26, and, I mean, not that that's old or anything, but....you know."

I can picture myself as a mom. I can't picture or imagine myself pregnant. It's almost like I'm too much of a tomboy or something, I don't know. I'm not crazy about the idea of not being able to just do what I want when I want anymore, but the fact is that I don't do shit NOW, so I'll never know the difference. But still. It's just so FINAL. 

I must seem so childish and silly. Is it weird to feel like I'm ready to be a mom but not ready to be pregnant? It seems really weird to me. 

And it's all so STUPID. Because I'll only be off the Pill until mid-October, and then if nothing has happened I'm going back on it until next summer. I know the chances of something happening in a month and a half period are pretty low, but like a friend of mine said "It only takes 30 seconds."

And if I DO find myself knocked up this fall, will I be able to concentrate on grad school apps? If I go for interviews, are they going to see a pregnant chick and be like "fuck this"? It's moments like this when I feel like I should've just gone to R2 - one of their students had a baby in her first semester of grad school and was about to defend her thesis. 

Am I setting myself up for failure? Or setting myself up for settling? What if I get pregnant, and 6 months into it I'm like "OMG, WTF was I thinking? I can't do this!"

I'm freakin' terrified. But I think I probably always will be. I don't know. 

Question

A random question occured to me while watching Comedy Central that will probably get me some really strange search hits, but what the hell:

Why is it okay to say "tits" on TV, but not "dick" or "cock?"

You can say "bitch" now or call someone a "pussy," but you can't say "dickhead" or "asshole?"

I'm just sayin'. I'm all for gender equality in our cuss words.