Friday, March 27, 2009

SHIT.

I did not get into Holy Grail school. Fuck the Ivies, seriously. They can kiss my hardworking, 1st generation college-grad ASS. I was a perfect fit for that program. PERFECT. It sucks for them that they didn't see it. 

I hate them. I hate them all. And just as much, I hate the students who managed to get accepted. Fuck them too. 

So now my only option is an R2, or nothing at all. Not a single professor in the social department there has published in one of the major journals. Not one article in JPSP. Not even ONE. 

I'm trying to figure out what this means. Am I not supposed to be on an R1 career track, and that's why this is happening to me? Or am I not supposed to do this at all right now, possibly ever? I guess I have to wait until I fly out to visit R2 to find out. 

But here's the real kicker - I don't have an official acceptance from THEM yet, either! They want to make sure I share interests with at least 2 faculty members before it becomes official. And I'll be honest with you - it's going to be a little bit of a stretch. And with no fucking access to non-major journals right now, I'm a bit screwed for doing background research on these folks before I go. 

I'm not getting my hopes up this time. It's possible that I might go out there and absolutely love the department, the students, the city, etc. It's also possible that I might go out there and hate it. It's also possible that I'll like it out there, but when August comes around and I have to pack up all my shit and move to the other side of the country I'll chicken out and decide to stay right here. 

There is something about knowing that I wasn't good enough for a SINGLE R1 that is really, really fucking pissing me off right now. And I think once I make my final decision I'm going to call them all out on the carpet here for a shit-slinging session. 

12 comments:

Becca said...

Blurg. How disappointing. Anyway I can't do much but offer sympathy, but one thing I can do is see if I have access to pdfs of anything you really want to check out. You can either post references here or I can email you.

Juniper Shoemaker said...

knowing that I wasn't good enough for a SINGLE R1

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

Of course you're pissed off. I'm pissed off on your behalf. And I know you're just giving voice to your anger. That said, it is really hard for me to read any assertion of yours that you're "not good enough"-- whatever the context.

Google is fucking with our minds. My Verification Word for this post is "bangstst".

Stephanie Zvan said...

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how hard you were hoping.

No talk of signals from the universe, though. This was a rejection of your application, which, however much work you put into it, is not actually you or your education. You've said yourself how much you learned about these things after it was too late to change what you'd submitted.

Trust me. As a writer, I have a little experience in the rejection department.

Mrs. CH said...

Booo :( Sorry JLK, that just plain sucks ass. Try to keep an open mind about R2 until you've visited. If it's somewhere you just don't want to be, then don't go - but "you'll never know unless you try" and all that BS ;)

Like Becca said, if you need any PDFs or anything, I'm sure I'd be able to send them to you as well!

scicurious said...

Ugh. I'm sorry. You, me, we need to get together. With drinks. Many, many drinks.

And if you need papers and stuff, email me. I gots the hookup.

Comrade PhysioProf said...

Keep your eye on the goal. Get your PhD, do an awesome post-doc, faculty at R1. Comrade PhysioProf is a faculty member at a university that laughed--uproariously--at the notion that he would deign to seek admission as a student.

The road of academia is all about persistence. Fancy-ass little shits that are in R1 PhD programs will be flaming out left and right as they progress. You just never waver, and you will get what you want. And remember to live in the moment and enjoy the journey.

leigh said...

remember that as the economy takes a shit, grad school enrollment goes up. you're competing with (a) a whole shitload of others who want to go to grad school right now rather than seek a job and (b) probably some people who have related experience who decided now was the time.

that is not YOU, but the current circumstances. get your foot in the damned door already, once you're on the ladder you can start climbing.

it's always about moving forward, wherever forward is. you want this, you take every opportunity you can get your hands on and wring every drop of benefit you can out of it.

Professor in Training said...

What PP said. Like I said before, my PhD alma mater didn't want to know me as an undergrad and then didn't want to let me go when I finished grad school with them. Do what you need to do to get your PhD and then stick it to them from the inside.

PhizzleDizzle said...

Fancy-ass little shits that are in R1 PhD programs will be flaming out left and right as they progress.

TOTALLY TRUE. You just stay the course.

I'm sorry, this sucks....but don't give up. Admissions are wrong so often it's not even funny, so this is not an ACTUAL judgement on you, it's just admissions dumbfuckery. Of which I have seen plenty. Keep your chin up.

And I'm with Leigh, I am def. not going with Mr. Phizz next weekend so let's go out Thursday (or Friday)?

Psych Post Doc said...

So sorry to hear this.

...tom... said...

...

Randy Pausch (Google him if you are not familiar with his thoughts ...and you must be) says (to paraphrase) 'brick walls are there to keep out those who do not really want something'. Your job is to find a way over, around, or through this brick wall.


I have no doubt that you can do just that.


...tom...
.

Isis the Scientist said...

Eye on the prize, JLK. Get the PhD, do excellent work yourself and you'll end up just fine.

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