Bleh. It's more interesting to do in a classroom.
So my husband is in FL until next week. I'm bored without him here. I should probably be doing something productive, but oh well. I've been doing the P90X fitness program to try to get myself back into something resembling being in shape. It's fun, painful, exhausting, and possibly worth it (I don't really know yet).
The grad school thing is consuming my thoughts. I've started feeling that if I don't get accepted to programs #2 and #3, that I may not want to go to grad school, at least not this time around. I know, I know. But I busted my goddamned ass for the last 3 years, and if I don't get into one of my top-choice programs, WTF is the point? To get a PhD for the sake of doing so? This is no offense to program #4 where I am interviewing this weekend, but I feel like I busted my ass for nothing. Why give up everything to be a Top Student if you can't then get into Top Program?
I just got a letter the other day from my MRU announcing that I was selected as a Scholar of something or other. No money attached to this award. I wanted to tell them to go fuck themselves, because nothing they have done for me has made a difference with my prospects for the future. As a matter of fact, they haven't done a fucking thing for me, period. Oh, except increase my student loan debt. They did that with gusto.
I could not possibly have done anything differently or better as an undergrad. I really couldn't, given my life circumstances and everything else. WTF - a single grade of B compared to all A's for undergrad would be enough to disqualify me? Second authorship on a paper/presentation with RockStar Researcher's name as 3rd author? Sorry I couldn't be first author, because I HAD TO WORK TO PAY MY MORTGAGE.
Maybe they looked me up on Facebook or MySpace and decided that I use the f-word too often. Or that I look too good in a bikini with a monkey on my shoulder, and it would be distracting. Who the fuck knows.
Now I know some of you are out there who got where I'm trying to go. Those of you who managed to get into Ivy U grad programs in your field - WTF did you do to get there?
It's not about names or prestige for me. It is about the programs that are going to allow me to research the things I am interested in alongside faculty whose work I respect and admire. I still have yet to hear from #2 and #3, and I'm hoping that no news is good news. But if I did not do well enough to merit those opportunities, I need to know.
So I can choose another fucking career path.