It is now Thursday, and I have not spoken to my boss since the conference call. She seems to be avoiding calling me back and there is no one else in this company that I can talk to who a) I can trust, and b) can answer my questions. Needless to say, I am very pissed off that I can't just freaking TALK to someone right now.
I am not happy about my new territory because of the circumstances surrounding my being assigned to it. I feel guilty that someone lost their job. I know they gave me this territory because they knew I could handle it, and on some level they probably thought they were doing me some kind of favor given where it is in relation to where I live.
But the bullshit that I have seen and dealt with this week is ridiculous. I am dying to find a new job, whether with one of the SFRSHSs or somewhere else because the stress level I will be dealing with when I return to work in the fall at my current job is going to be incredibly overwhelming. Obviously I can't get into details about why this is the case, so suffice it to say that I am in limbo right now until I get some answers and the company updates its resources to reflect the changes - I no longer have the tools I need in order to do my job successfully and likely won't get them until August.
The flagrant disrespect I experienced this week has made the desire to get a new job even more urgent. I'm tired of the corporate politics and the constant shitting on of junior employees by management. I'm tired of the hypocrisy and the silencing of people with questions. I'm tired of being praised for the passion I have for my job and my customers, but criticized and belittled for it when that passion turns to face corporate and asks "WTF?" It can't just be turned off.
When I love my job and believe in the mission and purpose behind it, I find myself constantly on the lookout for ways to improve things. I've worked for small businesses, medium-sized corporations where I have a lot of autonomy, large corporations, and my current mega-huge corporation where I am given the illusion of autonomy but none of the control that goes along with it. I would make a graph, but I'm too lazy - basically, the larger the company, the more I tend to love the actual day-to-day job that I do. But at the same time, the larger the company, the less satisfied I am with that job over time.
Why? Because when you work for a large company, the seemingly tiniest changes you would like to see made face so much red-tape and politics that your suggestions often get shut down by your immediate supervisor before they have a chance to grow legs. They don't want to deal with it, even if it's a great idea. The daunting nature of a large corporation makes them feel that it's just not worth the effort. But a mega-huge corporation is easy to fall in love with because you find yourself branded. You identify with this company and its mission - I have yet to meet anyone who finds out the company I work for and doesn't recognize the name if not share some memory of having dealt with this company in some fashion at some point in their lives. Those memories are always fond ones. In fact, it was my own memories that led me to find this job in the first place. That kind of brand recognition sucks you in.
But now I'm stuck. If I don't find a new job and soon, I will be forced to return to the aftermath of Pandora's Box this fall. Time is running out though, because research jobs are usually filled by now or will be in a matter of weeks. I don't foresee any new job postings during the summer.
I blogged before about how I NEED a research job. That need has become even more dire. I want to go to work, keep my head down, do my job, and be part of a larger purpose that I both understand and believe in. I want to be in an environment where my questions are about the work that's being done, not about why my expense reimbursement has been cut in half when GPSs are being handed out like popcorn. There are always going to be politics in every single job - academia is certainly no exception. But I anticipate having much more control over the work I do on a daily basis - if I try one method of doing something and it doesn't work, I can try a different one. I don't need to get the approval of 8 managers and a vice president to change a single item on a survey. (Maybe my dissertation committee, sure, but I would have chosen them so I had better give a damn what they think.)
I feel like a die-hard Christian waiting for the rapture - "Please, Academia! Please come and take me away from this nightmare!"
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