Saturday, April 11, 2009

Some Thoughts Before Heading Off

I'm getting my hair chopped off today, then going to dinner for my stepfather's birthday, then coming home and frantically packing, brushing up on some relevant journal article reading, and then hopping in bed with the desperate hope that I manage to wake up at Hellish Hour so I can make my plane on time. I don't anticipate getting to blog again until Wednesday. 

I don't think I even have time to play Tiger Woods. *Gasp!*

So, some thoughts I wanted to get down before heading off:

First, I am definitely clinically depressed these days. I have been good at forcing myself to do things like exercise, spend time socializing with people, doing things other than watching tv. But the fact that I am not sleeping well and yet it is still a battle every single day just to Get Out of Bed combined with an endless amount of naps every night on the couch, bad dreams, and overwhelming feelings of sadness, hopeless, helplessness, and complete apathy toward everything convinces me that yes, I am definitely depressed despite doing things to prevent it from getting worse. 

It will be very difficult to be in the company of strangers for the next 3 days and not let that show through. 

Second, the responsibilities of caring for the house, the finances, everything without my husband here are crushing me. I can take care of my own shit as I have done for awhile, but taking care of everything for both of us is a bit too much. For example, if something happens to my husband's Scary Pet Reptile, I will not be able to live with myself or face him. Same thing if the house burns down. If my car suddenly dies or gets totaled or something and I have to get a new one, I will have to make that decision on my own and hope it's the one he would want me to make. Not being able to talk about things as they happen really scares me, mostly because I'm one of those people who is perpetually terrified of making the wrong decision (which I seem to do over, and over, and over again). 

This trip is another example. Last night I was thinking that my husband's delayed departure for and return from the military, the separation last summer, the pay situation, the application outcomes, etc. seem to be stacking in such a way to let me know that this is NOT the time to go to grad school - that I need to get over myself and just live for a year. If I do end up dazzled by R2, it will be really hard for me to make the decision to go in the face of all this information. 

When I return, I will post my impressions about R2 as soon as I can - so look for that blog on Wednesday. I anticipate needing/wanting as much feedback as possible before 5pmEST with which to make my decision. You guys are all I've got right now to bounce something like this off of, so I will ask for brutally honest opinions only. 

So stay tuned, and in the mean time keep your fingers crossed that this will be an easy decision for me either way. 

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good luck on your trip. I hope it's not disappointing. Don't sink yourself thinking about all the housing and financial issues... you'll work it out later. Keep your eye on the ball in front of you right now, one thing at a time and you will get through it.

Candid Engineer said...

Will be thinking of you as you make the trip. Just keep an open mind and see what you think. Chances are, after visiting, that you will know just want to do. Hang in there, pretty petunia.

Comrade PhysioProf said...

Hang in there, JLK! These kinds of things always appear more overwhelming than they turn out to be.

leigh said...

focus narrowly.

my ptsd went ballistic when my husband moved away. i couldn't sleep for months, when i did i woke up screaming, covered in sweat. i worked like a zombie, desperate for something to focus my mind on. i had zero appetite, some days i did not eat. i did not blog about these things, because at the time, i didn't want to divulge such personal items. i'm a little less social/open of a person than a lot of bloggers, i think. but if you look at my posts from late last summer, there's evidence i was in rough shape.

anyway, just so you know you're not the only one.

go to the school, see what you think, tell us about it.

Ambivalent Academic said...

JLK - you are an incredibly strong and capable person. Things seem overwhelming right now, but look at you! You're making it work. You will continue to do so, and it won't be this hard forever. When you get over this hump you will be able to look back and know that you were making the right decisions all along...it's just hard to see that now.

Keep an open mind on your trip and most importantly, enjoy yourself! Relax, you've already said you're OK if you need to wait another year so try to stave off desperation and just have a good time. This will work wonders for your mood and chances are it will show you off in your best light.

We'll look forward to hearing all about it. Good luck!

Mrs. CH said...

Wishing you lots of good luck! Looking forward to hearing about it all when you return. I'm sorry that you're not feeling so well right now - try to make sure you get some time to relax and be by yourself. That always helps me when having to be around people I don't know for long periods of time.

Silver Fox said...

Yes, do hang in there. And like AA, I see incredible strength in you. Don't worry so much about big things like houses burning down and scary reptiles having problems or cars going belly up. IF those things *ever* happened, they would become just another thing you deal with, then they would pass, Later they would seem like a small part of the whole story.

And try to tell yourself in the morning when it is so hard to get up (I've had that kind of depression, too, the kind that keeps you up late, then won't let you get up in the morning) - tell yourself it will be better when you get up. Not that problems will magically disappear, but that it is better to be up than in bed thinking how bad it is or feels.

And mucho best wishes on the trip. Maybe once you get there, you will feel more like yourself. If not, endure as best as possible.

You are facing or living with incredible changes happening all at once, so really, really really cut yourself some slack.

We are all pulling for you.

Silver Fox said...

And I also do that thing of having to make the best, most perfect decisions (perfectionism). The decision you make is ALWAYS the best decision. Always. It's called not looking back.

Psych Post Doc said...

Have a safe trip JLK. I'm looking forward to hearing your impressions.

It's been a tough time for you indeed. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will be here quickly, no matter which decision you make.

scicurious said...

Good luck, lady. Many of us have been there. Leigh is right, getting through the short term is all about focus. Fingers crossed.

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