Saturday, April 11, 2009

Some Thoughts Before Heading Off

I'm getting my hair chopped off today, then going to dinner for my stepfather's birthday, then coming home and frantically packing, brushing up on some relevant journal article reading, and then hopping in bed with the desperate hope that I manage to wake up at Hellish Hour so I can make my plane on time. I don't anticipate getting to blog again until Wednesday. 

I don't think I even have time to play Tiger Woods. *Gasp!*

So, some thoughts I wanted to get down before heading off:

First, I am definitely clinically depressed these days. I have been good at forcing myself to do things like exercise, spend time socializing with people, doing things other than watching tv. But the fact that I am not sleeping well and yet it is still a battle every single day just to Get Out of Bed combined with an endless amount of naps every night on the couch, bad dreams, and overwhelming feelings of sadness, hopeless, helplessness, and complete apathy toward everything convinces me that yes, I am definitely depressed despite doing things to prevent it from getting worse. 

It will be very difficult to be in the company of strangers for the next 3 days and not let that show through. 

Second, the responsibilities of caring for the house, the finances, everything without my husband here are crushing me. I can take care of my own shit as I have done for awhile, but taking care of everything for both of us is a bit too much. For example, if something happens to my husband's Scary Pet Reptile, I will not be able to live with myself or face him. Same thing if the house burns down. If my car suddenly dies or gets totaled or something and I have to get a new one, I will have to make that decision on my own and hope it's the one he would want me to make. Not being able to talk about things as they happen really scares me, mostly because I'm one of those people who is perpetually terrified of making the wrong decision (which I seem to do over, and over, and over again). 

This trip is another example. Last night I was thinking that my husband's delayed departure for and return from the military, the separation last summer, the pay situation, the application outcomes, etc. seem to be stacking in such a way to let me know that this is NOT the time to go to grad school - that I need to get over myself and just live for a year. If I do end up dazzled by R2, it will be really hard for me to make the decision to go in the face of all this information. 

When I return, I will post my impressions about R2 as soon as I can - so look for that blog on Wednesday. I anticipate needing/wanting as much feedback as possible before 5pmEST with which to make my decision. You guys are all I've got right now to bounce something like this off of, so I will ask for brutally honest opinions only. 

So stay tuned, and in the mean time keep your fingers crossed that this will be an easy decision for me either way. 

Friday, April 10, 2009

Grad School Update

A few of you wrote in the comments on my previous post that you wanted to know what was up with my grad school situation. I realized I hadn't posted at all about it recently, mostly because I felt like I was being a whiner and needed to stop. But some of you guys apparently enjoy my whining, so here's the latest update for you. 

I leave early Sunday morning to go visit the R2 U where I have the tentative acceptance. When my plane lands back in New England on Tuesday night, I will have approximately 17 hours to make my final decision (by myself, as you all know). 

I am flying out with the most open mind possible. I really like the department chair who I have been emailing back and forth with for a month or so now. They seem to be pretty laid-back without being too laid-back, but we'll see when I get there. I learned a lot from my crash course in grad school interviewing back in February, so I think this trip is going to be a million times better. For one thing, it's just me - this isn't a group visiting day. My schedule has been personalized so I am meeting with only faculty members whose interests are at least somewhat related to my own. They're including a housing tour, and the overall trip is longer. I also did not schedule a weekday evening flight, so even if I experience an 8 hour delay, my plane will still get there by 9:30pm - plenty of time to get some sleep before interview day starts on Monday. 

However, new information has come to light in terms of my husband and I's financial situation, dealing with military pay structure and all that. I won't get into all the details unless you guys want me to in another post, but basically, unless something fairly dramatic happens we would be moving out to this R2 with NO savings left. It has largely to do with my job and its budget for summer hours, plus the fact that my husband is getting paid about half of what he thought he was getting paid. He would also be moving out to R2 with no job, no prospects, no nothing, because he won't be released from active duty until September. 

This (somewhat luckily) has freed me from any ambivalence I might have experienced after visiting R2. It means that unless I absolutely love the program, I will be waiting another year. I've decided that I'm okay with this. My husband is much more important to me, and it will be nice to have some time to spend with him again before all the distractions resurface. 

If I decide not to go, I will be actively pursuing paid RA positions. I have just applied for one at my MRU - keep your fingers crossed for me. If I get that job I will be all set - more research experience prior to fall applications and some really great opportunities working for this PI. 

If I am dazzled by R2, I will have to suck it up and do whatever I need to do in order to save up some money before heading out there. If that means taking a second job at Starbucks, I'll do it. I'll also have to look into housing and job opportunities for my husband so he's not left hanging when he gets back. That's the really scary part - being on our own in a new city, me on a grad student stipend, and him likely unemployed for 3-4 months once he gets out there. Our family-starting plans will most likely need to be put on hold until the health insurance situation is under control, because benefits are currently through me and my employer. Cashing out my 401k will help a little, but not enough. 

Literally, up until 2 days ago I thought all was fine on the financial front and this came down to a decision based on personal preferences. This new information has reduced my stress in one area, but has significantly raised it in another. It means that if I choose to go to R2, it will be because I really, really love it there - and that's how it should have been all along. 

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Oh, Man

I have so many things I want to blog about, and just haven't really had a chance to do it. 

I anticipate being able to get 1, maybe 2 posts up tomorrow night, so I want you guys to tell me what you want me to blog about. I'm too lazy to set up a poll, so y'all are gonna have to vote with comments. 

Possible Topics:
  • Thoughts on the Faludi book thus far (issues of women and fashion, television, and movies)
  • The psychology of experiencing pain
  • Evolutionary Psych (part 3 of my 3,454,986-part series)
  • Guest blog at Labness on money issues in couples
  • Spin-off post on the effect of sex hormones on behavior

I'm pretty sure I had more, but I forget what they were. I've really got to get better at writing them down when they occur to me.....

Monday, April 6, 2009

*Sigh*

My husband was able to call me today. For 10 minutes. It feels like my Freak-Out Meter, which was approaching dangerous and foreboding shades of red, has been reset to near zero. 

Nothing else in the world matters right now. 

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I Hate Being Ignored

JLK's outbox (not actual quotes):

To: MRU Psych Dept Admin
Subject: Psi Chi

Dear MRU PDA,

      I recently received your email regarding Psi Chi inductions. I intended to pursue Psi Chi membership at MRU, but the timing of my psychology courses did not allow me to be eligible until this past December when I graduated. Am I still able to join, or is it too late because I already have my degree?

- JLK

(Sent over a month ago. Still no response. Deadline for Psi Chi inductions has passed.)


To: Professor X
Subject: Grad School Update

Dear Prof. X,

       I hope all is well. I recently checked the status of my application at Southern U, and it appears that they never received your letter of recommendation. I recall seeing a "received" status back in December when you confirmed with me that you sent them all out. Did you receive a confirmation email from the submission system that you could forward to me? I am concerned that they never reviewed my file because it was incomplete. Blah blah blah, other people have received word from SU, blah blah blah. Thank you again for writing on my behalf, blah blah blah.

- JLK

(Sent over a month ago. No response. Also no response to a follow-up email letting Professor X know the status of all my applications including SU.)

To: Grad Student Mentor
Subject: Manuscript

Dear GSM,

       In order for me to complete my portion of the article manuscript, I need to know if you are intending to include all of our data. At the conference, we only presented part 2 of the study. Are we including part 1 in the submission? Also, when would you like the draft completed by?

- JLK

(Sent 3+ weeks ago. No response.)

To: Rockstar Professor/Research Advisor
Subject: Research Project

Dear RP/RA,

      In your book, _____, you mention that no one has examined Z within framework Y. I would like to pursue this experimentally and I have an idea how it can be done. A recent review of the literature did not bring up any contributions to this issue. Do you know if I would still be able to do this at MRU, and if so, are you willing and able to serve as a guide to me during the creation and execution of the project? I would not require funding, but I would need access to resources A, B, and C at MRU. Upon completion, if the findings are relevant and significant, I would like to aim for submission this fall to Journal W or Journal S if you think that is a reasonable goal. 

- JLK

(Sent 3 weeks ago. No response.)

I know that my email is working just fine. I'm starting to think that people look at the sender in their inbox and say, "Eh, not this chick again."

Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Answers

Here are the research-based answers to the questions I asked in my previous post. It's Saturday and I don't feel like digging up all the citations, but if someone wants them drop me an email and I'll be happy to give you that info. 

In the meantime, I think you'll find it interesting to look at what the science has to say versus what you and the other commenters believe to be true - especially when contemplating why that might be the case.

1. How do the infertility rates compare in women in their twenties versus in their thirties? 

    Infertility rates in women in their twenties are no different from those of women in their thirties until you reach your late thirties. Interesting to note - fetal Down's Syndrome rates for women in their early twenties are higher than for older women. Second interesting note - women in their twenties also seem to have growing rates of infertility at younger ages. Some suspect that at some point it will equal the rate of the late thirties, making late twenties and early thirties the easiest time to conceive in a woman's life. 

2. When women are asked what brings them the most satisfaction in their lives, what is the #1 response?

Career. Every single time this question has been asked since women entered the workforce in huge numbers. The second highest f response is friends. Interestingly, spouse and children are often much, much lower on the list than one might suspect. ***Keep in mind however that this data is nearly always colored by the fact that most respondents are white, middle-class women with "careers" and otherwise nuclear households.***

3. Which group reports a stronger desire for marriage, men or women?

Men. For a very, very long time. There is data that suggests after the first time having sex with a partner, a surprising majority of men report their first thought as "I wonder if this means the relationship is really going somewhere." Men also report higher desire for children, and more of them, than women. There are much higher rates of men on dating service sites such as match.com, and higher rates of personal ads placed by men in newspapers and magazines. Nowadays, the majority of women report that marriage is not a high priority for them, as cohabitation rates climb. 

What might surprise you - while marriage has been shown time and time again to have resounding positive effects on nearly all aspects of men's lives (socially, emotionally, financially, physically, etc.) and married men make up the 2nd healthiest, happiest group - marriage has the opposite effect on women. In terms of mental health issues, the two groups in America who are in the most trouble are single men and married women. The healthiest and happiest groups are married men and single women. 

Think about that for a second. Now think about the original question I asked you and what your answer was. For those of you who said women, what factors led you to that answer? Why do you think that might be?

4. How do women's prospects for marriage fare when they have higher levels of education and career achievement while still single?

They are better. Marriage rates in women compared to education creates a U curve when plotted. There are a bunch of women who get married right out of high school, and a bunch of women who get married in their late twenties and early thirties. The statistics can get a little muddled here based on agendas, though. You need to look at rates of "never-marrieds" to get an accurate number. And there are very, very few people in this country who have never been married. And of those who haven't? The majority are men. 

It seems to me that the reverse of the general belief is true - it is the men who have worsened prospects for marriage the older they get. Haven't we all been fed the idea that a man in his 40's who has never been married must have something wrong with him?

5. What effects do you think divorce has on women versus men in American society?

Emotionally/mentally: Women's mental health dramatically improves almost immediately. They initiate more divorces than men, report higher life satisfaction, and are less likely to say that the divorce was something they regret. Men, on the other hand, report plummeting mental health after a divorce. Higher rates of depression, alcoholism, drug abuse, suicide attempts. 

Financially: In the short-term, women experience a mild loss financially while men experience a small gain. However, it has been shown that within 5 years of the divorce, women's financial status equals out (and in many cases exceeds) what they had when married whereas the man's financial growth tends to stagnate.

In all aspects, men have been shown to be affected much more negatively by divorce than women, including socially and physically. 

And finally, a question that occured to me today while I was putting gas in my car:

6. Why might women be told from a very early age that men are dangerous, only after "one thing," have sex drives that they are unable to control, want to avoid marriage, and are presented as a group that needs to be "tamed" by women?

This is the one question I don't yet have a full answer to. Those of you who were surprised by the answers I provided above - would you change your answer to #6 at this point? I want to hear if anyone has anything to add or change before I post my thoughts on this question. 

Friday, April 3, 2009

Food for Thought

I am currently reading a book that I should have read a long time ago - Backlash by Susan Faludi. In my defense, my study of gender has tried to focus on work by scientists and scholars, not journalists. 

But sometimes, I think, the journalists can be more comprehensive in their analysis than researchers. Why? Because scientists are trained to narrow their scope, which might explain why Faludi's book is soooo fucking big, whereas most gender texts tend to fall a bit short of 300 pages. Backlash is 460 pages long - large pages with small fonts. I'm a pretty fast reader, but 2 hours or so of effort has only got me to page 53. 

I will do a full review of the book when I am finished reading, but for now I wanted to get a discussion going about some questions I find interesting. I will also get to her book Stiffed, but I have another text that will come in-between. 

First, a quote from page 8 of the text that I find to be incredibly important:

"The statistics the popular culture chooses to promote most heavily are the very statistics we should view with the most caution. They may very well be in wide circulation not because they are true but because they support widely held media preconceptions."

I want to ask you folks some questions, and I don't want any of you to look up the answers. I just want you to answer based on your own beliefs. I will provide some answers in future posts. Think of it as an informal survey so I can see where current belief systems lie. 

1. How do the infertility rates compare in women in their twenties versus in their thirties? 

2. When women are asked what brings them the most satisfaction in their lives, what is the #1 response?

3. Which group reports a stronger desire for marriage, men or women? 

4. How do women's prospects for marriage fare when they have higher levels of education and career achievement while still single?

5. What effects do you think divorce has on women versus men in American society?

And finally, a question that occured to me today while I was putting gas in my car:

6. Why might women be told from a very early age that men are dangerous, only after "one thing," have sex drives that they are unable to control, want to avoid marriage, and are presented as a group that needs to be "tamed" by women?
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