Swine Flu: My Contribution

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Thinking Too Much?

So last night (this morning, who am I kidding) I'm laying in bed and my anxious brain is in overdrive. And I think to myself, "Why the fuck shouldn't I just go to R2?" 

Many of you might think this is a cop-out and maybe it is, but I'm trying to think through all of my options with as much long-term awareness as possible. 

Here's the thing - I am not functioning at a high-enough level these days to dive back into this process. My husband will be gone all summer long, coming home pretty much just before I need to get into the heart of re-applying. While I told myself that his being gone would give me oodles of time to get stuff done, I did not account for the motivation factor. Currently, m=0. I won't be able to concentrate well enough to study for and re-take the GRE. I don't WANT to go through another year of uncertainty - not knowing where I'll be living in 2010. I don't want to have to spend the first couple months of my husband being back writing personal statements and getting application materials together. 

And what the fuck would I be doing it all for anyway? Name recognition??? WTF difference does it make if my CV says PhD, R2, or PhD, Arizona State? I just want to dive in and immerse myself in what I love - why does it matter where I go? 

I mean, there are a shitload of post-doc and faculty positions open right now in social psych programs across the country and around the world - I know this, because I get announcements for them on one of my listservs. Are they all going to suddenly fade away in 5 years? 

I LOVED R2 city. I LOVED the people there. I saw myself living there with my husband from the moment I got off the plane. The facilities aren't fancy, but no one is running around backstabbing peers either. And I have to ask, are these people I met, the potential grad students at other R1 programs, who were basically airheads who managed to get decent grades from mediocre schools - are they really going to have a better shot than me when it comes to getting faculty positions just because of WHERE they went? Sure, the Yale & Princeton students will - because the Ivies are incestuous and they'll all end up teaching at Harvard & Stanford. But what about the rest of them? The students at R2 are so much smarter and more passionate than the students I met at program #4. Doesn't that mean something?

I mean, I do worry about what my career will look like if I go to R2. Will I be able to overcome the name game and move into a faculty position at an R1? And if not, will I have had enough teaching experience to move into an R2 or a LAC? Will I be forced into industry because of the nature of the program - and if I do, would that be so bad if I still get to do research? 

I'm just starting to feel like I've pissed away enough of my twenties by being focused on school to the exclusion of nearly everything else. And all it got me was this position I'm in right now. Maybe it's time to start considering my life as a whole instead of just my career. Maybe I need to just get over myself and stop looking a gift horse in the mouth. 

There has to be a reason why my visit to program #4 made me hate a city that I spent my entire life wanting to move to. There has to be a reason why I loved R2 city so much when I was convinced I would hate it before I got on the plane. I think the fact I loved it so much freaked me out, and I started looking for reasons NOT to move across the country. 

But then again, maybe the idea of re-applying and facing all that rejection again freaks me out MORE and now I'm trying to rationalize going to R2 because it's the lesser of the 2 evils. 

I don't know. I'm so confused. :(

Mentors & Rec Letters

Those of you who have been following this blog for awhile are familiar with the story of Professor X - the recommendation letter writer who dropped the ball in terms of getting the letters in on time to grad schools. Professor X has largely fallen off the face of the earth as far as I can tell, so it is painfully obvious to me that I cannot count on this person to EVER do anything for me again, ever. 

Right now I have RA job applications in to my MRU and 3 into SFRSHS school. I have no idea whether I'll get any of these positions - which pisses me off because I have demonstrated qualifications for every single thing they're looking for in the damn job postings. But I digress. 

If I don't get an RA job, re-applying this fall will put me in a tricky situation. I have one amazing mentor from Community College who would jump through rings of fire for me if I needed it. That's rec letter #1. I have Rockstar Professor/Research PI who, ironically, has gotten to know me much better AFTER writing the initial letters for me. That's rec letter #2. 

(Btw, as an aside - I have copies of all the rec letters written on my behalf from this past fall. I have not read them, because they came into my possession sort of by accident. So if I needed to check if anyone sabotaged me, I could.)

So without the RA job, I basically have 3 options for obtaining rec letter #3:

1. Graduate Student mentor at MRU. She has worked with me for a year now, but I'm pretty convinced that a rec letter from a grad student is pretty much worthless. Correct me if I'm wrong. 

2. Former Professor at Community College (not Awesome Mentor) who absolutely supports me in anything that I do and knows me on a fairly personal level too. But, this person is not a PhD and is not in the social sciences. The risk is that it would be a glowing letter from someone who, quite possibly, doesn't matter at all to admissions committees. 

3. Boss's Boss at Corporation I Work For. Has known me for over 3 years, has given me countless awards for my work, has firsthand knowledge of how much my customer's love me and how hard I work. 2 possible risks - glowing letter from someone who doesn't matter, OR not-so-glowing letter because he has made it clear to me multiple times that he doesn't want me to leave the company. I think the former is most likely though. 

I need to have some kind of a back-up plan in place, because the MRU job is very, very competitive and SFRSHS school, well, hates me (or so it seems). I keep hoping that if I bombard them with enough applications they'll figure out how badly I want the job. We'll see if that pans out. 

Motherfucking Pharma Part II

I was so worked up about the cost of that gel yesterday that I forget to tell you about this little gem:

Latisse

Yup, for $100 every six weeks you can have longer, thicker eyelashes via a prescription medication. 

And it works. The PA's in the doctor's office showed me their own before & after pictures. 

Someone, somewhere, took an assload of research $ and used it to develop a drug that would make our eyelashes grow, while I'm paying $400 for an antibiotic gel for my face. 

And the really sad part is? I kind of want it. 

Motherfucking Pharma

I went to a doctor's appointment this morning. I was given an Rx for Ziana, which is clindamycin phosphate 1.2% & tretinoin 0.025%. (Long story short, I went in to make sure I didn't have skin cancer, turns out I have a mild problem with cystic acne - yay for being 26.)

Anyway - I go to the pharmacy to get the script filled. When I come back to pick it up, the pharmacy tech looks at the paperwork and goes "Yikes! Don't you have insurance?"

I was like "Hell the fuck yeah I have insurance, chica. Pretty damn good insurance too."

She goes, "Well let me double check on this for you."

Turns out that this MOTHERFUCKING gel costs $400!!!!!!!!!! For 60 grams of it!!!!!!!!!

MOTHERFUCKING BOTOX IS CHEAPER!!! (At least at this dermatologist's office anyway)

So she calls my insurance company, and they try to say that I am "over the age limit for this medication."

WTF??

Awesome Pharmacy Tech manages to get a prior authorization or whatever and gets them to agree to cover it with a $50 co-pay. 

$50??? For a fucking topical antibiotic and what is essentially retinol???

The wonderful little receipt says "Your insurance saved you $346.95." How thoughtful of them. 

What the FUCK could possibly make this shit so expensive?? Someone, please tell me! 

Mind you, I have no problem with my insurance company on this issue. After all, one could argue that this type of medication is for elective cosmetic purposes. 

I mean, $400????? Who could blame them for not wanting to cover that shit??

I bet I could get it in Cuba for $1.75.......

Free Speech Vs. Political Correctness

I heard the following quote tonight, and I thought it might spark some interesting discussion:

"What universities are saying by these codes, special protections, and double standards to women, to blacks, to hispanics, to gay and lesbian students is 'You are too weak to live with freedom. You are too weak to live with the first amendment.' If someone tells you you are too weak to live with freedom, they have turned you into a child."

I'd like to confine the discussion to colleges and universities, because when you start getting into the private sector things get awfully hairy and complex. 

But this is important. The general accusation is that "political correctness" is a left-wing concept largely confined to Democrats - who, as we all know, dominate the ranks of academia. Now I myself am a Democrat. I am also a die-hard liberal. But the need for political correctness at the expense of free speech is not something I think I'm comfortable with. 

I also heard something tonight along the lines of "People think that freedom means that they have the right to be free from being offended." 

This is an important issue. There are things that I find highly offensive in this world. Bill O'Reilly is a great example of one. I vehemently disagree with pretty much everything that comes out of his mouth. So, I don't watch his show. If I did, I'd probably end up a homicidal maniac. I have no problem changing the channel. 

Would I love to see him taken off the air? Yes, I would. But I don't think I could ever support an FCC-mandated censorship of his nonsense. We would have to (in my opinion) prove that what he does is actually harmful to the American public. NOT that what he does is offensive. 

At many times in my life I have been and very likely will be a complete hypocrite on this issue. I don't think that the University of Maryland should have shown a porno flick to its undergrads. I would actively work to have Bob Jones University and similar institutions shut down because of the hate and discrimination they breed. I would be royally pissed off and probably end up getting in a fight if I walked on my MRU campus to discover some kids shouting "Ban women from this university!" and passing out sexist literature. 

But who the fuck am I to say that my beliefs and opinions are "better" or more valid than that of others, and that the people who disagree with me should be silenced? I'd like to think that I'm more evolved than that. 

But at the same time, what about sexual harassment? Does freedom of speech extend to some asshole professor who tells me that I have a hot ass? If he never lays a finger on me, never makes any sexual advances or any offers of quid pro quo, should I have the right to sue over being offended? If I do, does that mean that the legal system treats me as a child who can't handle freedom of speech and expression?

This is a really, really tough issue for me as a feminist - as a person who believes in freedom and equality for everyone. If a bunch of female undergrads ran around campus with "Men suck" signs and lit up a bonfire of burning dildos, would a man be given the right to sue for being offended? Or would the response he faced be more like "Are you going to let a bunch of silly, crazy girls get to you??"

I wonder..... how much freedom and equality might be lost when we insist on political correctness? Yet, how much shit would hit the fan if we let everyone run amok in a free-for-all? How can we restrict certain things without restricting others? And who gets to decide?

Thoughts?

Privilege Meme

Stolen from PhizzleDizzle, so I can remind myself of all the reasons why I am doing all this crazy shit to get into grad school. 

The items that apply to me are BOLD

1. Father went to college

2. Father finished college

3. Mother went to college

4. Mother finished college

5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor (a prof @ a community college)

6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers

7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home

8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home

9. Were read children’s books by a parent

10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18

11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18 see above 

12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively (this is more of a maybe - considering women's portrayals overall)

13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18

14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs

15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs

16. Went to a private high school

17. Went to summer camp 

18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18 

19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels 

20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18 

21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them 

22. There was original art in your house when you were a child (my grandmother is a painter - they were all her work)

23. You and your family lived in a single family house

24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home

25. You had your own room as a child.

26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18

27. Participated in a college entrance exam (eg. SAT/ACT) prep course

28. Had your own TV in your room 

29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College 

30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16 (always to visit my aunt)

31. Went on a cruise with your family

32. Went on more than one cruise with your family

33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up. 

34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family. 

From "What Privileges Do You Have?", based on an exercise about class and privilege developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. If you participate in this blog game, they ask that you please acknowledge their copyright.

I wonder if I could work all of this into a personal statement......j/k