Who or What?

The Unlikely Grad Student recently asked this question over at her blog:

Who do you want to be when you grow up?

I have wasted a lot of time in my life asking myself what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I never really spent any time asking myself who. Her post gave me pause and I found myself thinking about it for days afterward.

Who do I want to be when I grow up? Who did I want to be when I grew up? Am I that person? Has my time been spent pursuing that person or did I get distracted?

When I was younger and particularly when I was a child, I knew I wanted to create things. I've always had artistic inclinations, in large part due to my artist/painter grandmother with whom I spent many a school vacation while growing up. She taught me to draw, paint, and sew when I was very small. I made my own doll clothes and put on impromptu fashion shows at her house using scraps of fabric from clothing she had made.  I had the Fashion Plates set and spent hours and hours pretending I was a designer. When I was 8 or 9 I created a portfolio of original clothing designs complete with fabric samples for each outfit. I still have it in the attic somewhere.


When I was 11 or 12 I thought maybe I wanted to be an architect. Using huge sheets of drafting paper, I designed my "dream house." To scale. It was about 45,000 sq ft and included full suites for each one of my family members, a "rec room" with a full-size basketball court, an indoor swimming pool, and servants' quarters. I went through countless magazines and catalogs, tearing out images of furniture, bedding, and decor for every single room of the house, labeled them accordingly, and put them into a 3-ring binder with tabs.

Yes, I was that kid. And now I am that adult.

When I realized the odds of making it as a fashion designer (in the days before things like Project Runway) and the amount of boring-ass math required to be an architect, I decided to go in another direction. I found psychology.

I looked at research as a creative endeavor - creating a hypothesis, designing experiments, writing up findings, etc. I pursued it as such for a very long time. But when the reality of grad school admissions and the earning of a PhD presented themselves to me, I learned that it was not what I had thought it was AT ALL. In interviews I found myself playing a part - it was all about the professor who was interviewing me, not about me or my interests, and certainly not about the ways I thought my presence could improve the current research going on under their supervision.

No, it was about stroking egos. The psychology PhD had nothing to do with creativity and out-of-the-box thinking. They wanted newbies whose undying devotion would guarantee their citations in textbooks and journals forever. That's just not me. If you study the history of psychology you will see all sorts of alliances, dynasties, rebellions, slander, professional suicides. It's like a soap opera. Or the Roman Empire. I don't know if it's like that in other fields, but the drama in psychology is rampant and gratuitous.

So when they said "You don't really belong here," I flipped them the bird and said "You know what? You're right."

And now here I am, 2 years later, with the same job that allows me to work from home and raise my son. It requires no mindpower. There is no creativity. There is no room to really grow. But it allows me to focus on what is important for now.

When my son is grown, I want him to think of me as a creative person. Someone unique, who doesn't fit easily into a mold and who offers a different perspective on things than most. That is the Who I want to be. The What that will allow me to become that person has not yet revealed itself. Only time and the appearance of opportunity will tell.

Priorities

By all accounts, I have been through some serious shit in the past year or so. It has drastically changed who I am and what is important to me.

I have decided to put off grad school indefinitely. At least, grad school for a doctorate.

"What??? WHY?? WTF is your problem, JLK???"

It's actually quite complex. My first response to this question is that I just don't give a shit anymore. Yeah, psych is still really interesting to me. But all of the bullshit I have to go through just to get to do it? Fuck that. I've got better things to do with my time and energy.

Academia is not like other jobs. Psychology, especially, is incredibly competitive. If you want to, say, become a lawyer, you get an undergrad degree, get into law school, and when you graduate you take the bar and become a lawyer. Same thing with becoming a doctor. Or just about any other job in the world - you study your shit, then you go out and do it. That is not the case with academia and definitely not with any branch of psychology other than clinical.

At some point during my tenure at my MRU, I lost sight of what my initial goal was - to teach in community college where relationships are meaningful, professors have control over the content and schedule of their courses, and where differences can be made. I was so dazzled by the thought of being "important" in my field that I forgot what my entire purpose was - where my loyalty lies.

My desire for a PhD was all about ego. I have always railed against the idea of becoming too specialized, too focused on one or two tiny aspects of a field as a whole. I think this practice, particularly in psychology, is detrimental to the progress of the discipline. But I wanted to be "Dr. JLK."

I was also incredibly selfish. My husband is not an academic, nor will he ever be. I never really thought about what it would mean to drag my husband and eventual children all over the country in pursuit of grad school, post-docs, adjunct positions and hopefully at some point a tenure-track professorship.

Please keep in mind that I am not judging anyone who has made the decision to pursue academia regardless of family status. I'm just not a person who is willing to do it.

Truth be told, if Yale called me up tomorrow and said "We made a huge mistake - we'd like to admit you for this fall" - I would go. But I am not wasting another second of my life trying to prove to some unknown admissions fucknut that I am good enough to slave for them for 5 years. I won't do it. It is utterly masochistic and I don't want to be part of a system that arbitrarily decides who is worthy and who is not.

Being separated from my husband last year combined with his being gone this year for the military has forced me to re-examine my priorities in life. My marriage, my family is more important to me than anything else in the world. I hear these stories about academics who live apart from their spouses, who have to keep 99 balls in the air just to keep their family functioning. Fuck that - it's not for me.

I can spend my life trying to make a difference in my field - trying to be important to strangers and to get my name in future textbooks, OR I can spend my life trying to make a difference in the lives of people I care about. To be an important influence on them - even the ones I haven't met yet.

No one, no matter how much he or she may have loved her job, ever says on their deathbed "I wish I had spent more time at work."

Nope, it's not for me. I won't lose another fucking second of my life to the pursuit of something that is fueled (for me) by ego and a desire for recognition. I have a good job. I have summers off, 5 weeks of paid vacation a year, I work from home, and I have all the freedom I could possibly ask for. Sure, it's boring. But it allows me to have a life outside of my job.

I may go for my master's so that I can teach. I know I'll get into any program I apply to at that level. I'll have my babies and raise them the best I can. And maybe when they're grown up I'll want to go get my PhD.

But I will not waste another second of my twenties trying to get somewhere that I'm not currently wanted. I am not being defeatist, I am not giving up, I am not quitting. I am recognizing that it's just not fucking important. I am nearly positive that continuing on the path I initially set out for myself will result in much more regret in the long-term.

And I have more than enough regret in my life already.

Terrified

I really wanted to talk to my husband about this, but I didn't get a chance today. There isn't really anyone in my life that knows about this and I'd prefer to keep it that way, so here I am talking to you folks. I hope you don't mind. And if you do mind, then feel free to click out at the point of TMI. I promise, I won't be offended. 

My husband left in March, as many of you know. I visited him Memorial Day weekend. When I came back, I stopped taking the Pill. We talked about it, and figured we'd just see what happens until mid-October, and then I'd go back on the Pill if nothing happened. I kinda dug this approach - it's almost like a non-decision. 

But today I went for my annual OB/GYN visit. They of course asked, "Are you still taking the Seasonale?" and I had to say no. Next question: "Oh! Are you trying to get pregnant?" My response, "Well, not really. We're just not trying to NOT get pregnant."

Next thing I knew I was being handed a bag full of pre-natal vitamin samples for me to try, then to call them when I decide which one I like. I freaked my husband out though, lol. I texted him with "And so now apparently I am taking Rx prenatal vitamins." And he was like "WTF?" LOL. 

So as I'm waiting for the CNP to come in and do the exam (my doctor is on maternity leave), I pick up the first magazine I grab next to the exam table. It's "Conceive" magazine. I start flipping through it, and I find myself bombarded by ads for sperm banks, egg donor agencies, prenatal vitamins, pregnancy pillows. Images of pregnant women, babies, new moms, cribs, etc. 

I had an anxiety attack. At first I was like "Wow, I can't imagine wanting something so badly that I would turn to an article about Feng Shui for fertility." (No offense to those of you who have gone through fertility treatments and all that - no judgment here.) But then I was like "Holy SHIT! WTF am I DOING???? What is wrong with me??? Am I on crack???"

I want to be a mom. I just don't want to be pregnant. I am terrified of the idea of spending 40 weeks knowing that I have just made the most permanent decision EVER. I miss the days of believing that storks brought babies to lucky couples. I'm scared that it will change who I am, that I will become someone who cares about nothing but her child. I don't want to be a Stepford Wife. I want to be Dr. Mom. 

A big part of it too is that even though I consciously know that I'm 26, I still feel like I'm 16 - when pregnancy was just the most horrific thing I could imagine. I am still scared to tell my parents, even knowing that my mom WANTS me to have kids. In fact, (I don't know if I posted this before), she recently said to me: "Are you guys planning to start trying to have a baby anytime soon? Because you ARE 26, and, I mean, not that that's old or anything, but....you know."

I can picture myself as a mom. I can't picture or imagine myself pregnant. It's almost like I'm too much of a tomboy or something, I don't know. I'm not crazy about the idea of not being able to just do what I want when I want anymore, but the fact is that I don't do shit NOW, so I'll never know the difference. But still. It's just so FINAL. 

I must seem so childish and silly. Is it weird to feel like I'm ready to be a mom but not ready to be pregnant? It seems really weird to me. 

And it's all so STUPID. Because I'll only be off the Pill until mid-October, and then if nothing has happened I'm going back on it until next summer. I know the chances of something happening in a month and a half period are pretty low, but like a friend of mine said "It only takes 30 seconds."

And if I DO find myself knocked up this fall, will I be able to concentrate on grad school apps? If I go for interviews, are they going to see a pregnant chick and be like "fuck this"? It's moments like this when I feel like I should've just gone to R2 - one of their students had a baby in her first semester of grad school and was about to defend her thesis. 

Am I setting myself up for failure? Or setting myself up for settling? What if I get pregnant, and 6 months into it I'm like "OMG, WTF was I thinking? I can't do this!"

I'm freakin' terrified. But I think I probably always will be. I don't know. 

Interview

Well, I had my phone interview for SFRSHS West today. It was an hour and a half long. I think it went really well, but of course I can't be sure. 

I did not BS her, because that's just not my style. If she asked me if I had experience with something and I didn't, I told her so. I think I did well with explaining how my work experience fits with many of the tasks that the person in this position is required to do. 

What always throws me for a loop in interviews is when I am asked a question that has an obvious "right" answer, such as "How do you find you work under pressure?" Truthfully, I am the kind of person who thrives under pressure, but when I give that answer I feel like the interviewer thinks I'm saying that because I know it's the right answer. I hate that, because I AM being honest. 

I also worry that I talk too much in phone interviews. I try to make sure that I am answering the question as clearly and completely as possible, and I also have an awareness that THIS is my chance to make an impression on this person. I find myself struggling with competing internal demands to both be concise and thorough. Thorough almost always wins out. 

I really am perfect for this position. Seriously, I'm not just saying that. I was myself throughout, I made her laugh quite a few times (assuming it wasn't just polite laughter, who knows when it's on the phone), and I think I answered her questions the best I could. I did not mention at all what this position could do for me except when I was specifically asked what my personal goals for this job would be and why I want it. 

If I had it to do over again I would probably try to be a little more concise in my answers, but it's very difficult to do that when you're being asked questions on-the-fly about something you feel very passionate about. This, I think, is a skill I will have to work on over time. 

So it's one step at a time. I think I did well enough to move on to the second round of interviews and will find out around the end of next week. But if I didn't, it will be because they have a candidate with better qualifications than mine and that's okay. 

Goddamn do I want this job. The research coming out of this lab is so GOOD and airtight and so freaking relevant to the world and the big picture! This is research that makes a difference! It would be a privilege to get exposed to this world and to be able to make valuable contributions to the research team at the institution. 

I feel like I'm on American Idol. I made it through the first round of auditions and Simon Cowell was like "This chick can sing, let's send her to Hollywood!" And I've made it past that first week of Hollywood auditions and now I'm waiting to find out if I'm in the top 10 girls. 

Fingers crossed!

Moving Onward and (hopefully) Upward

Well, I did it. I told R2 that I am declining their offer of admission in favor of pursuing research this year. I feel a bit like a snob but I remain convinced that this is the best decision for me and my career goals. 

That said, an "Organizational Announcements" conference call has been scheduled at my company for tomorrow by our regional manager. Hopefully it is not a "you've all been shit-canned" call that will throw me into a full-blown panic attack at not having a back-up plan. 

My interview with SFRSHS West has been scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. After consulting with a couple of bloggers I have the utmost respect for, I think I am about as ready as I will be. It has taken a bit of cognitive effort to focus on what I have to offer them rather than relying on conveying my enthusiasm and passion and hoping that carries me through. The trickiest thing for me, I think, has been changing gears from grad admissions interviews to academic job interviews. I had to learn that they are two completely different things. Really, it is a combination of corporate job interview skills and grad school interview skills and I won't know if I have figured out the right balance of these two skillsets until tomorrow. 

I remain undecided about re-taking the GRE. In a perfect, ideal world, I will get the job at SFRSHS West and that will in turn earn me a slot in their graduate program by my kicking ass and taking names every day I show up at work. But because I did not apply to SFRSHS West last year, I don't know how similar their admissions process is to SFRSHS East and whether they use the same arbitrary cut-offs when screening applicants. This is, of course, not a question I can ask in the interview. LOL. 

The one thing I do know is that if I get this job, I will be networked with the biggest rockstars in social psychology and I should have my choice of R1 programs excluding, in all likelihood, the Ivies. I will learn methods for conducting research in my interest area from the top scholars in that area. I will gain a skillset that will be second to none. I will work my ass off because I will be doing what I love. This is not a job, this is an opportunity and a golden one at that. This is the closest thing to Phil Zimbardo's car breaking down in front of my house as I am likely to get. And actually, this is probably much, much better. 

I also have another possible option cooking at a SFRSHS in a totally unrelated field that I am just as excited about. If I were to get this particular position, I would not only get to learn invaluable research skills, I would also have a very unique scientific experience that most psych researchers would never even dream of. And I'd get to be a part of some very cool, kick-ass science that currently is conceptually way above my pay-grade. 

So that's the update. I am not in a million years expecting to get the job at SFRSHS West, but I also said that about the interview. Here's hoping that my cynicism is driving forces in the universe that are akin to reverse psychology. 

Holy Crap!!!!

I have a phone interview for Awesome Job at SFRSHS West!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now it's a whole new ballgame. Back to on-the-spot rocking instead of spending hours perfecting cover letters. OMG. 

Advice? Anyone?

Got to see my husband today too! Freaking finally! He kicked some serious ass down here and I'm so proud of him I don't know what to do with myself. 

But driving in this city is an absolute nightmare. It seems all straightforward, but there's this whole "loop" concept that I am just not familiar with. In New England we do turnpikes and exit ramps and on-ramps. To go south on the highway, you head south and so forth. This crap is just weird. 

Okay, need to go to bed now. Like I can sleep!!!

I Need This

I have spent the last 14 years of my life pursuing knowledge of psychology and the social sciences in general. It is my passion, and goddammit, I'm good at it. 

For the past few months, in the face of what seemed like a million rejection letters and an impossible uphill climb, I have wavered in my pursuit of this passion. I have thought about giving up and just staying in my boring-ass job for the rest of my life, where I would be free to just enjoy "life" in whatever way I wished. 

But just as a life without my husband is not one I want for myself, a life without psychology is also not one I want for myself. I love reading books and articles in my field, but quite frankly I'm sick of not being the one writing them. 

I have been actively seeking out paid research jobs for a couple of months now. I have not had any success. As mentioned in a previous post, I just applied for a fucking amazing job at SFRSHS West. To be frank, this particular opportunity would change my entire life. I don't think I'll get it in a million years, especially considering how widely advertised it is and the level of prestige associated with this particular university. But if I did, it really and truly would change my LIFE. 

I've spent a lot of time picking apart my CV, my qualifications, my experience, trying to figure out which part of the package I'm missing. It might be my GRE quant score. It might be the fact that I have not spent any time caring for dying children in Africa. It might be that I finished my undergrad too quickly. It might simply be a matter of never being in the right place at the right time. 

I have tried with each job application to convey my level of enthusiasm for and dedication to my field while still maintaining professionalism. As much as I would love to write "I'm fucking PERFECT for this job, can't you see that???" I have managed to restrain myself. 

But I need this. I need to be in research. I need to get that leg up somehow. It can't be as simple as a math GRE score, unless the system really and truly is that fucked up. I refuse to be shut out of the ranks of the top scholars in my field. If SFRSHS East gets sick of seeing my name on job applications, so be it. But at least they'll KNOW my name. 

All I need from you, Academia, is a chance. Let the stars align perfectly or whatever needs to happen - I don't care - but just give me that chance. I'm doing what I can here, but if you could just cut me a little bit of slack that would be fantastic. I feel like I'm just waiting to be discovered, waiting to get in front of just the right person. It seems to me that academia is a lot like the entertainment industry - it's not just about having talent, it's about stumbling across that golden opportunity at just the right time. 

Actually, Academic Universe, if you could somehow arrange it so that Phil Zimbardo's car breaks down on my street and he needs to use my phone, that would be Awesome. 

But in the meantime I'll keep applying for every RA job that comes up. I'll keep studying the social psych literature and looking for opportunities to network. I'll keep plugging away. 

Because I need this. 

Welcome to JLK's Pity Party - Seating for One?

***Disclaimer - I've been watching the HBO show In Treatment religiously lately, which is totally fucking with my head. I love it, but damn, it is not The Office.***

So I realized the other night that I pretty much hate myself. I hate myself for nearly all of the choices I've made, the things I've done, and the things I haven't done. Not exactly the most healthy state of mind. 

I hate myself most for what I did to my husband last year, right around this time. I hate that I didn't try, that I was so angry that I didn't give a fuck about anything or anyone but myself. I hate the person I was just a year ago. 

And now this has flooded into everything else. I can't really make a decision about grad school or anything, really, while I feel this way. 

The thing is, I am paralyzed by regrets. I can't think of any decision I have ever made that I haven't regretted, even if only for a short time. Let's look at the examples (starting at age 18 only):

- I regret dropping out of college instead of appealing my loss of financial aid. I just gave up, because I never thought I'd win the appeal. 

- I regret the decision not to fight a professor at university #1 who falsely accused me of plagiarizing a paper I wrote, despite my history of A papers in her course. I didn't know that there was a board of students and professors who review cases like that. Instead, I withdrew from the course on the last possible day and pretended it never happened. I hate that bitch to this day. 

- I regret the reaction I had to my mother's second marriage that caused me to freak out about my own impending matrimony, leading my husband to think I was cheating on him. 

- I regret deciding to go to MRU for undergrad for only one reason - it was the cheapest option. Had I gone to Little Ivies #1, 2, or 3 I might be in a much better position today, with much better relationships with mentors. 

- I regret everything about my decision to leave my husband last year. All the events surrounding it, the things I said, the things I did. I was a total fucking monster selfish bitch. And now and forever I get to live with the knowledge of the two girls that my husband was "with" while we were apart. FUCK it pisses me off. But it was my own fault. 

- I regret my unwillingness to re-take the GRE last year before applying to grad school. I convinced myself that my verbal score was good enough to make up for the disappointing math score. I really believed I had a shot at these SFRSHS schools. 

- I regret changing the focus of my applications to psych and law programs largely due to the influence of someone I was spending way too much time with then. I fucked myself over. Seriously. 

- I regret turning down a Fulbright scholar nomination at my MRU because my stupid ass was too overwhelmed by the Oxford admissions process and couldn't find the time to figure out how to justify doing my research abroad. I was lazy and convinced I wouldn't get it, so I didn't even try. 

I have reached the point where I am afraid to make any decisions, lest I regret them later on. I yearn to give up the responsibility to someone else, anyone else. When I was debating the timing of having kids, I flirted with the idea of just stopping the pill to "see what would happen." 

But more than anything else, I regret what I did to my husband. It colors my view of everything now. I'm not a martyr - I won't let him punish me, but I will sure as fuck punish myself every chance I get. So in his absence I drink too much, smoke too much, get on the treadmill until it hurts, sit around watching tv and tell myself that I deserve to be this miserable and depressed. I do deserve it. Actually, I deserve much worse. I deserved him telling me "Fuck you, I hate you" when I told him I missed him and that I wanted him back. If I were him, that's exactly what I would've said. But he's a much better person than I will ever be. 

Yeah, I'm fucked up. My mother's affair, my parents' divorce - all of that fucked me up. But it's no excuse for the things I've done. I never learn from my mistakes. Now I wonder how much of this whole R2 thing is about preserving my relationship at the cost of sacrificing my career goals because of how I neglected my husband for the sake of getting straight A's. Maybe if I had gotten into Yale, where we wouldn't have to move and he could be with his friends and family, I would've felt it was worth it. But all of that rejection was the biggest "Fuck you" that could ever have been thrown in my face. "No, JLK, nothing you did was worth it. Because you could've cared about something other than school and still been where you are today."

Fuck. 

Thinking Too Much?

So last night (this morning, who am I kidding) I'm laying in bed and my anxious brain is in overdrive. And I think to myself, "Why the fuck shouldn't I just go to R2?" 

Many of you might think this is a cop-out and maybe it is, but I'm trying to think through all of my options with as much long-term awareness as possible. 

Here's the thing - I am not functioning at a high-enough level these days to dive back into this process. My husband will be gone all summer long, coming home pretty much just before I need to get into the heart of re-applying. While I told myself that his being gone would give me oodles of time to get stuff done, I did not account for the motivation factor. Currently, m=0. I won't be able to concentrate well enough to study for and re-take the GRE. I don't WANT to go through another year of uncertainty - not knowing where I'll be living in 2010. I don't want to have to spend the first couple months of my husband being back writing personal statements and getting application materials together. 

And what the fuck would I be doing it all for anyway? Name recognition??? WTF difference does it make if my CV says PhD, R2, or PhD, Arizona State? I just want to dive in and immerse myself in what I love - why does it matter where I go? 

I mean, there are a shitload of post-doc and faculty positions open right now in social psych programs across the country and around the world - I know this, because I get announcements for them on one of my listservs. Are they all going to suddenly fade away in 5 years? 

I LOVED R2 city. I LOVED the people there. I saw myself living there with my husband from the moment I got off the plane. The facilities aren't fancy, but no one is running around backstabbing peers either. And I have to ask, are these people I met, the potential grad students at other R1 programs, who were basically airheads who managed to get decent grades from mediocre schools - are they really going to have a better shot than me when it comes to getting faculty positions just because of WHERE they went? Sure, the Yale & Princeton students will - because the Ivies are incestuous and they'll all end up teaching at Harvard & Stanford. But what about the rest of them? The students at R2 are so much smarter and more passionate than the students I met at program #4. Doesn't that mean something?

I mean, I do worry about what my career will look like if I go to R2. Will I be able to overcome the name game and move into a faculty position at an R1? And if not, will I have had enough teaching experience to move into an R2 or a LAC? Will I be forced into industry because of the nature of the program - and if I do, would that be so bad if I still get to do research? 

I'm just starting to feel like I've pissed away enough of my twenties by being focused on school to the exclusion of nearly everything else. And all it got me was this position I'm in right now. Maybe it's time to start considering my life as a whole instead of just my career. Maybe I need to just get over myself and stop looking a gift horse in the mouth. 

There has to be a reason why my visit to program #4 made me hate a city that I spent my entire life wanting to move to. There has to be a reason why I loved R2 city so much when I was convinced I would hate it before I got on the plane. I think the fact I loved it so much freaked me out, and I started looking for reasons NOT to move across the country. 

But then again, maybe the idea of re-applying and facing all that rejection again freaks me out MORE and now I'm trying to rationalize going to R2 because it's the lesser of the 2 evils. 

I don't know. I'm so confused. :(

Mentors & Rec Letters

Those of you who have been following this blog for awhile are familiar with the story of Professor X - the recommendation letter writer who dropped the ball in terms of getting the letters in on time to grad schools. Professor X has largely fallen off the face of the earth as far as I can tell, so it is painfully obvious to me that I cannot count on this person to EVER do anything for me again, ever. 

Right now I have RA job applications in to my MRU and 3 into SFRSHS school. I have no idea whether I'll get any of these positions - which pisses me off because I have demonstrated qualifications for every single thing they're looking for in the damn job postings. But I digress. 

If I don't get an RA job, re-applying this fall will put me in a tricky situation. I have one amazing mentor from Community College who would jump through rings of fire for me if I needed it. That's rec letter #1. I have Rockstar Professor/Research PI who, ironically, has gotten to know me much better AFTER writing the initial letters for me. That's rec letter #2. 

(Btw, as an aside - I have copies of all the rec letters written on my behalf from this past fall. I have not read them, because they came into my possession sort of by accident. So if I needed to check if anyone sabotaged me, I could.)

So without the RA job, I basically have 3 options for obtaining rec letter #3:

1. Graduate Student mentor at MRU. She has worked with me for a year now, but I'm pretty convinced that a rec letter from a grad student is pretty much worthless. Correct me if I'm wrong. 

2. Former Professor at Community College (not Awesome Mentor) who absolutely supports me in anything that I do and knows me on a fairly personal level too. But, this person is not a PhD and is not in the social sciences. The risk is that it would be a glowing letter from someone who, quite possibly, doesn't matter at all to admissions committees. 

3. Boss's Boss at Corporation I Work For. Has known me for over 3 years, has given me countless awards for my work, has firsthand knowledge of how much my customer's love me and how hard I work. 2 possible risks - glowing letter from someone who doesn't matter, OR not-so-glowing letter because he has made it clear to me multiple times that he doesn't want me to leave the company. I think the former is most likely though. 

I need to have some kind of a back-up plan in place, because the MRU job is very, very competitive and SFRSHS school, well, hates me (or so it seems). I keep hoping that if I bombard them with enough applications they'll figure out how badly I want the job. We'll see if that pans out. 

Fuckity, Fuck, Fuck

I have spent the last 36 hours trolling through the comprehensive list of social psych doctoral programs in the US, found at the wonderful Social Psychology Network. This is the fucking second time I have done this, the first time was a year and a half ago. 

Someone needs to create a website (or add on to SPN) so that I can search for faculty members in social psychology PhD programs who share my research interests, with a little spot for them to update whether or not they are accepting grad students. Because clicking on page after motherfucking page of faculty members' profiles is boring, exhausting, and frustrating. 

While I was doing all of this, I was simultaneously checking the Carnegie classifications of these schools so I wouldn't waste my time looking through more R2s. 

All of this searching and clicking led me to a total of 6 Good-Best matches for research that I have not previously applied to, and they are as follows: Arizona State University, Boston College (I've heard they treat their grad students like shit), Northwestern University (I will NEVER get in), Penn State University, Purdue University, and UC Santa Cruz. The absolute best matches are ASU and Penn State. 

If any of you have experience with these schools and are willing to share, please email me. I will keep it confidential. 

I have not yet been able to muster up the motivation to go dig out my APA Guide To Graduate Study in Psychology to find out their average GRE scores and all that happy horse shit. I shoved it into a box somewhere when I was done with applications and really believed I would never have to look at it again. 

Regardless, I know I need to work on boosting my math score without losing the verbal skills that got me the score I obtained last time. I haven't the slightest clue where to begin, because the books were mostly useless last time and even the computer simulations didn't help me get faster. 

If any of you have tips, resources, etc., that you think might help, please let me know. I'm strongly considering taking the written exam rather than the CAT because it will give me a little more time, will allow me to skip around the section, and will not cause me to develop a headache from staring at a wavy computer screen on a monitor dating back to 1985. The disadvantage is that supposedly it is more difficult to obtain a higher score on the written exam because the number of high-points questions is fixed. So I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do. 

Last year I was really excited to go through this process. It was hard and it was stressful, but it was a hopeful experience. This time I am pissed off, bitter, and annoyed that I once again need to convince these fucking people that not only CAN I do it, but I WANT to do it, and that my ability and desire are stronger than everyone else's. 

I hope to achieve it this time around by networking in advance. I have no idea how to do this, really, but my mentality has changed. Instead of being afraid to say something stupid or annoy a rockstar professor somewhere, I have decided that they are regular fucking people who just happen to be doing the job that I want, and I have nothing to lose. I am not a lowly undergrad, I am a potential future colleague. I intend to approach it that way. 

Anyone Who Can Help?

Does anyone out there have any experience whatsoever with the Oxford University admissions process? I wanted to apply last year (long story) but got so confused by the admissions and figured I would never in a million years get accepted anyway so I just gave up. 

If any of you out there can help, drop me an email: fragile12682@gmail.com

Grad School: Starting Over From Square One

When I started my blog here back in November I had already completed most of my applications, had what I thought was a good game plan and a solid overall package. I did not use this medium to get any kind of advice on anything dealing with the admissions process. *FAIL* on my part. 

So, I would like my readers to serve as my own personal committee - like a dissertation committee, only for grad school admissions instead. You can elect yourselves - I need as much help as I can get. 

But first, because most of you are not in the social sciences, a little information about how grad admissions *supposedly* work for psychology:

The first thing they tell applicants is to make sure you know what you want to research. Your entire search for a program is supposed to be based on that. You are not applying to a program - you're applying to a specific PI and his/her lab. Your goal, for most programs, is to convince that one PI that you are the perfect person to work with. In some cases, such as at Yale, you must first get past the Grad School of Arts & Sciences before the potential PI even sees your application materials. This is accomplished by your transcripts and GRE scores. If you aren't the cream of the crop when it comes to those, your personal statement, writing sample, and rec letters are completely irrelevant because no one ever sees them. (Which means you may have wasted a $90 application fee and countless hours perfecting your essay just for them. Do I sound bitter?)

The second thing they tell us is that research experience is THE most valuable part of your application packet. The more, the better. They also tell you that if you can get even just co-authorship on a publication, you are pretty much guaranteed to make it past the 3rd round of admissions cuts. A first authorship on a publication for an undergrad is nearly unheard of, and if you can get it, it will open doors for you that you can't even dream of. 

Now, here are the current qualifications that I've got to work with (identifiers, be damned at this point):

• Graduated summa cum laude from MRU with cum gpa of 3.93, psychology major gpa of 4.0
  
• Accomplished this through attending school full-time while working full-time at a "real" job - I was not a barista at Starbucks (no offense to anyone). 
  
• Worked as a research assistant for a year now for Rockstar professor at MRU, resulting in second-authorship on a paper presentation at a conference. Currently writing a portion of the manuscript that is to be submitted for publication in May. 
  
• Worked as a research assistant for Largely Unknown professor at MRU, basically was used for my ability to conduct thorough literature reviews, wrote a large one with annotated bibliography. This professor is completely unreliable for rec letters (remember Professor X?).
  
• GRE scores: 96th percentile for verbal, 53rd percentile for quantitative, 88th percentile for analytical writing. 
  
• One incredibly glowing recommendation from community college professor (PhD from my MRU) who would jump through hoops if it meant getting me into an awesome program. She is the Ultimate Mentor. 
  

Roadblocks for me:

• I cannot pursue an independent research project because I am no longer enrolled at MRU. This was confirmed by Rockstar professor when I inquired as to whether it was possible. Therefore, first authorship on anything is not going to happen. Period. 
  
• Unless I get the RA position I applied for, I have no means of getting additional research experience before this fall. If I do, it will be under Grad Student mentor, whose research does not allow me to get experience with things I have not done before. 
  
• The GRE stresses me the fuck out. I have been out of high school math since 1998. I bought all the prep books, did all the practice questions and all that. I spent 4 months studying for this thing. It did not help me get faster at answering the ridiculously stupid way they have of delivering the questions. The reason my score was so low is because by the time I got to the stats questions (which means you're at the 700 mark), I ran out of time and had to randomly guess on the last 6 questions. This is what killed me. And I am generally a very good standardized test-taker. 

Obviously something was wrong with the way I went about this last time. Whether it was choosing the programs I applied to or something with my applications, I don't know. Ideally, I would like to write to the PI at program #4 and say, "Why was I the one who got waitlisted?"

I chose the programs based on the research interests of the faculty there, which was what I was told to do. The PI's whose research I admire the most, whose work has profoundly changed my field, are all retiring and not accepting grad students anymore. I feel like I'm not really sure where else to look for a program, and I am concerned that I will let my interests fall by the wayside just to get accepted. 

The problem is, and I understand this is unique to the social sciences, is that what you research in grad school determines your reputation when you go to get a job. Job listings for universities will specify "social psychologist with research in areas X, Y, or Z." Until you get that faculty slot and nail down tenure, you are basically committed to what you put on your applications in the first place. **This is important**

So, can I realistically do this? Can I improve my application enough between now and November when deadlines begin? I need a plan here, folks, and I need your help. No one in my offline circle of friends and family has ever even finished a bachelor's degree - they cannot help me. 

Would I love to go to Yale or another SFRSHS school? Yes, I would. Would I do anything I could in order to make that happen? Yes, absolutely. Do I know what to do to make that happen? Nope, not really. Because I thought I did everything I was supposed to last time, and it didn't work. 

It doesn't need to be Yale or another SFRSHS program. But it does need to be a program that will remove roadblocks for me, not create new ones. 

The R2 Situation or Maybe I'm Just a Snob Part II

I certainly am on a blogging kick today. Making up for lost time, perhaps? Who knows. 

Anyway, I talked to my husband today. He got a 20 minute phone call this week! Woo-hoo!

His preliminary decision about R2? "Let's wait a year so we can have some time to just spend together and more time to get the move organized."

I was kinda shocked. As you know, I expected him to say "Let's just get the fuck outta dodge."

I said I wouldn't let R2 know anything yet and that we'd discuss it on Memorial Day weekend when I get to see him face-to-face for a few days. 

I have had some in-depth discussions with several of you about R2, providing additional information that I was not comfortable with sharing here because it makes the school highly identifiable. All of you with whom I have had that conversation have said "Reapply to other programs this fall." 

Well, up until a few days ago I was fighting you guys tooth and nail - I don't want to re-take the GRE, I really loved the people and the place, I'd rather cut off my right arm than go through the app process again, etc., etc. 

But then I sent an email off to one of the faculty members there who I am most interested in working with. I asked her about a couple of things that are very important to me. The first question was about the likelihood that I would be able to serve as a reviewer for journal articles and books, because grad student reviewers require faculty sponsors. The second question was about an idea for a research project I have had that, even though her work is only marginally related, is closest to her area of expertise. 

I did not like her answers. First, she told me that students are discouraged from serving as reviewers because it is a time-suck. Second, she told me that students are not really allowed to pursue their own research projects for the first few years and instead are expected to work on multiple faculty projects while taking classes. 

This would be fine, except as I mentioned before, none of these faculty members are REALLY working on the things I'm interested in. There are parallel interests, but none that intersect. 

Actually, I'm lying. It's NOT fine. I will be walking into graduate school with at least 3 fully-written and conceptualized research proposals. If they're telling me that the only time I get to do my own shit is for my dissertation, that's just not cool. 

Now maybe my perceptions of what grad school is like are completely wrong. If that's the case, then someone needs to enlighten me. But I thought I would be encouraged to conduct my own research, writing grant proposals and securing my own funding, publishing my own work, etc., in addition to assisting on faculty projects. I guess this is another example of me not asking the right questions during my visit. 

This is an R2 without a reputation. Not a single graduate out of 90 PhDs has gone on to a faculty position at an R1. Not one. I would have a hell of a time overcoming the name game in job applications. Do I know I want to work at an R1? No, I don't. But the idea of having my qualifications discounted just because of the name of the U where I earned my degree pisses me off and there's nothing I can do about it. It's akin to Yale not looking at my grad application beyond my GRE scores when they saw my math wasn't over 700. It sucks, but I am not in a position to do anything about the way the system works. 

The other aspect of this (which I was reluctant to share previously) is that the social psych program is not taught by social psychologists. In fact, there is only ONE classically-trained social psychologist on a faculty of about 15 professors. Basically, the way I see it is that I'm being taught social psychology by people who aren't qualified to teach it. Does that make me a snob? Maybe. But you bio-med folks out there probably wouldn't want to be taught bio-med by a quantum physicist. 

I also, because of how the department is housed in the university, would not get the teaching experience I want. I would not likely ever get an opportunity to teach a psychology course. Sociology? Sure. HDFS? Absolutely. Apparently, if I want to teach psychology I have to do so under the table at the local community college. The other students informed me of this. 

I loved the people there, especially the students. I loved the environment there and the passion that the people have for what they do. I could probably excel there given the structure. But beyond the grad school experience, it would be an uphill battle for me in my career. And I feel like I deserve better. Again, am I a snob? Maybe. But I know that I am capable of doing more than this program will allow me to do. 

I really, really, really don't want to re-apply this fall. If I re-took the GRE I would probably be able to boost my math score, maybe to the point where the SFRSHS U's would notice. I really, really, really don't want to do that again either. But I am considering now whether I should. 

If I get the RA job at my MRU that I just applied for, and it starts sooner rather than later, and I am able to develop a good relationship with MegaRockstar PI, I probably will do all of that again. Without more research experience, better GRE scores, and a better recommendation from a higher-up faculty member, it is pointless for me to re-apply again. 

The other problem is that my husband is really excited about the idea of moving to R2. There is a great educational opportunity for him there. He is not the reason for my considering a second round of applications. Really, I would be doing it in spite of what he thinks about R2. He would support me in it, no question. 

But this particular decision is mine to make. And all I can do right now is hope that some circumstances arise that allow me to have a clearer view of what my options are. It's a waiting game at this point. 

The R2 Experience

I'm going to warn you now, this is going to be a long post. I still don't know how to split posts. 

What a drastic, dramatic difference this experience was from my previous interview at Program #4 back in February. 

I arrived in Western City on Sunday afternoon to find beautiful, perfect weather and my ride waiting for me at the airport. Having never ventured this far west in the US before, and having lived my entire life in New England, I could not get over how vastly different the landscape and everything was. I was like "Wow, so that's what REAL mountains look like!" I was standing in 75 degree weather looking up at snow-capped peaks off in the distance. It was amazing. 

I was brought to another student's house for a homecooked Easter dinner that was de-lic-ious. The first couple of students I met were nontraditional students with spouses, kids, actual LIVES and experiences. Everyone was so incredibly friendly, warm, easygoing, and funny. They actually seemed really excited to have me there, and it was very cool to feel so welcomed. They spoke to me openly and frankly about the program, the faculty, and the students so I feel as though I got an honest assessment of what it's like to be a student there. One was a 3rd year, and the other was a 5th year. 

Before heading off to bed, I was fed homemade chicken and dumplings. YUM! I felt like a family member coming for a visit, not a stranger from the other side of the country or a temporary inconvenience. 

The following day I met with a bunch of faculty members beginning with the department head, attended a 1st year graduate class, was treated to a delicious lunch at the student union with a bunch of other grad students ranging from 2nd-6th year. I felt like the new exchange student in high school, with everyone scrambling to get a chance to talk to me. One of the students accidentally got pregnant around admissions time, and had her first baby in the first semester of her first year there. She was very blunt about it: "I don't recommend it. It was a nightmare. 2nd year, absolutely. But not your first year."

I got to spend time with a variety of students, with different people escorting me to each meeting, taking me on campus tours, showing me around facilities. Though I got sick of repeating the same information about myself twice an hour all day, it was fantastic to talk to so many people about their experiences there. 

The faculty there are fantastic. They are not intimidating, arrogant, or any of the things I experienced at Program #4. Many of them are quietly well-connected and networked to important researchers throughout the country, without tying those connections to their own reputations. I noticed that several of the textbooks used in the graduate courses were written by faculty members at my undergrad MRU, which was very cool to see. One of the professors I met with keeps a Wall of Fame in her office, where students put their name and a little blurb about a project when they publish it with her. It was a pretty big wall. But the important thing about it was the pride with which she showed it to me - it was blatantly obvious how much she WANTS her students to succeed. 

One of my biggest concerns about this program was that it was an R2, and there was a lack of major journal publications on the part of the faculty. I wanted to make sure that I would have adequate opportunities to publish so that I would be marketable in academia when I graduate. One 5th year student I spoke to has 8 publications, 11 presentations, and 7 more publications under review. A 3rd year student had 5 publications and 6 presentations. This was the pattern I saw. 

When I asked the students about the deficit in major journals, they brought up and issue that has been discussed over at ScienceBlogs many, many times - the Least Publishable Unit. They told me that if they wanted to go for a major journal, there was adequate support and knowledge there for them to do so, but most of the students prefer to send their research to high-impact niche journals where they feel it will make the most difference. 

I had a frank discussion about this with several students and a couple of faculty members. The general consensus (and I know this to be true from my own MRU), is that JPSP (the major journal of my field) has become highly politicized and incredibly difficult to get into. They keep publishing the same authors over and over and over again, and the material is becoming less and less accessible to readers. In other words, JPSP is putting itself into a position where it is a major journal because of prestige, NOT actual impact and visibility. I heard stories from students who had submitted there, received a "No thank you" email within 24 hours of submission, and a month later received a very excited message from a 2nd-tier journal saying "Yes, absolutely! We love this study!" I now have the understanding that the lack of JPSP articles has more to do with pragmatism than lack of quality research. 

The students are all very passionate about the work they do. Because of a specific, unique quality of this program, many of the students are working toward industry jobs rather than academia. About 1/3 are pursuing faculty positions. This means that the competition between students is simply not there. They are a pretty cohesive group, albeit quite large. You are able to work with any faculty member you want who is willing to work with you - there is none of that "You're MY student, you will study what I'M interested in, dammit!" Though you do choose a primary advisor, you can change that at any time and faculty members can also "pluck" you from another faculty member if they want to and no one gives a shit. I mean, they do, but not in the political sense. You know what I mean. 

This is a great quality for me in this particular program, because as I have mentioned before there is no single faculty member there whose research interests are perfectly aligned with my own. But the nature of the department is such that for any given project, I can consult with as many different faculty members as I need to in order to incorporate their specific expertise in my research. The boundaries there are nonexistent. 

The grad student body is pretty diverse. The ages range from 21 to 50's. There are married students, single students, divorced students. Students with kids and students without. When they do have kids, they range from age 2 to age 35. There is religious diversity and ethnic diversity, though I did not meet a single African-American grad student. This bothered me to some extent, but apparently there is a black male student who would be in my cohort if I decided to go there this fall. It is a politically liberal city that shares many of my personal views, though apparently the outskirts contain the gun-loving, homophobic, racist, Republican good ole boys that are common to rural areas pretty much everywhere. 

It was the cleanest city I have ever seen in my life. It makes New England look like a glorified trash heap. Especially if you compare it to Boston (no offense, anyone). It was absolutely fucking beautiful. Every outdoor activity you could possibly imagine is available to you in great variety. From the moment I arrived I could see my husband and I living there and raising our kids there. And here's the kicker - there's no TRAFFIC! I was like "Wtf? What do you mean you can be anywhere in the city in 15 minutes? What about rush hour?" Only the folks from LA knew what "rush hour" was. Everyone else just gave me a blank stare. 

Okay, so that about sums up all of the positive things. On to the concerns. 

The state economy there is in serious trouble. Jobs are somewhat hard to come by, because it is not an industrial city. When my husband was laid off from his job here a couple of years ago, it took him 4 months to find a new one. It would probably take a lot longer for him to get a job out there. My student stipend is not large (of course), though it is enough for both of us to live very frugally on. Under normal circumstances, this would not be a problem. But given my impending unemployment this summer, the recent news of my husband's military pay being much lower than previously thought, the dwindling savings under these circumstances, the incredibly high cost of moving to the other side of the country, not knowing whether the military will be able to transfer him out there and not knowing whether he will lose his signing bonus if they do, and not having a job for him when he arrives all combine to create an incredibly scary situation for me. 

The department head was not very sympathetic to this, saying "Well, our students do this all the time. I'm not sure I understand why it's any different for you." She seemed to take it as a lack of committment on my part, which I tried to dispel. I understand that I would be moving from a very high cost of living area to a very low cost of living area. But losing 60% of my salary and not having savings in the bank terrifies me. If my car died, I'd be fucked unless my husband was working. I get that people do this all the time with no problems. I GET IT. But I inherited from my father this constant anxiety over finances. I spent several years in my twenties living paycheck to paycheck, and I really don't want to do that again. I don't want my life to be harder than it has to be, and I don't think that's unreasonable. It's not about being able to spend money on frivolous things (I don't do that now). It's about having a cushion for emergencies and unexpected events. And in this real estate market, it is highly unlikely that my husband and I could sell our house and get any money back from the sale at all. 

The department head suggested that my husband return to New England when he gets out of the military and live here until he finds a job and gets his military transfer. My reaction was "Hell the fuck no." I did not explain to her that we had been separated last summer and that I am unwilling to be apart from my husband for a moment longer than I have to, because I got the impression that she would think of my marriage as unstable and me as being co-dependent. She said, "Who knows, maybe this could be a good test of your relationship." I told her quite bluntly that if I had to choose between my husband and my degree, I would choose my husband because there is always a way to work it out. If graduate school was such that I could NOT have both, I would choose the degree and be away from him for awhile. But the fact is that there ARE ways to have both and I will seek them out to the exclusion of the alternative. 

This led to my asking about a deferral of admission for one year. She wasn't sure if this was possible but said she would look into it, followed by telling me that she gets the impression that I am ready to jump into this right now. I told her I feel that R2 is where I definitely want to go, and while I would love to start the program immediately I also don't want to cause myself an unnecessary amount of stress. The whole conversation kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. I don't like it when my level of dedication to my field is called into question. I also don't like it when my dedication to feminist principles is called into question because I express that my spouse is important to me. I could not get her to understand that this is a timing issue, and one that was not anticipated because of changing financial circumstances. 

A couple students had told me that this faculty member doesn't seem to understand work/family issues. One student didn't tell her that she was pregnant because she didn't want to hear what she would say. Everyone there is apparently very supportive of family issues and balance, but this one person just doesn't seem to understand it on a personal level according to what they told me. So I'm not taking it personally, but it does make the decision more difficult. 

I should note that a seemingly-fantastic assistantship has been offered to me that incorporates both my experience and interests, but if I wait a year to start it will most likely no longer be available to me. There would be something else, but there is no guarantee that it would be as good or better than this one. 

Part of me wants to say "fuck it" and fly by the seat of my pants into the program this fall. But part of me is really enamored with the idea of taking the year to spend time with my husband when he gets back, get some money saved, and take on the move as a team - taking our time to get him transferred, find him a job, get him enrolled in their engineering program. Doing this would put off starting a family for another year, or going into my first year with an infant in tow. There is low-cost, on-site daycare at the campus, but it apparently has a very long waiting list. 

They are giving me plenty of time to make the decision, so I can relax about it somewhat for right now. I am still applying for the RA job at my MRU. I feel like if I get that job, I will defer for a year. If I don't, I will go this fall. But that's not set in stone. I really don't know what to do. I wish I could talk to my husband to find out what he thinks. He's more of a Jump In Headfirst kind of guy than I am, but it's possible that being away has made him want to enjoy some downtime with me when he gets back. He does not like to be without a job. I think he would go crazy in a new city with all new people and nothing to do with himself. I know he wants to move out there - he was more excited about it at first than I was. That's not an issue. 

So I don't know. What do you guys think?

Quick Update from the Wild, Wild West

I love it here. I have some concerns, mostly financial, but I love it here. I will elaborate when I get back.....

Some Thoughts Before Heading Off

I'm getting my hair chopped off today, then going to dinner for my stepfather's birthday, then coming home and frantically packing, brushing up on some relevant journal article reading, and then hopping in bed with the desperate hope that I manage to wake up at Hellish Hour so I can make my plane on time. I don't anticipate getting to blog again until Wednesday. 

I don't think I even have time to play Tiger Woods. *Gasp!*

So, some thoughts I wanted to get down before heading off:

First, I am definitely clinically depressed these days. I have been good at forcing myself to do things like exercise, spend time socializing with people, doing things other than watching tv. But the fact that I am not sleeping well and yet it is still a battle every single day just to Get Out of Bed combined with an endless amount of naps every night on the couch, bad dreams, and overwhelming feelings of sadness, hopeless, helplessness, and complete apathy toward everything convinces me that yes, I am definitely depressed despite doing things to prevent it from getting worse. 

It will be very difficult to be in the company of strangers for the next 3 days and not let that show through. 

Second, the responsibilities of caring for the house, the finances, everything without my husband here are crushing me. I can take care of my own shit as I have done for awhile, but taking care of everything for both of us is a bit too much. For example, if something happens to my husband's Scary Pet Reptile, I will not be able to live with myself or face him. Same thing if the house burns down. If my car suddenly dies or gets totaled or something and I have to get a new one, I will have to make that decision on my own and hope it's the one he would want me to make. Not being able to talk about things as they happen really scares me, mostly because I'm one of those people who is perpetually terrified of making the wrong decision (which I seem to do over, and over, and over again). 

This trip is another example. Last night I was thinking that my husband's delayed departure for and return from the military, the separation last summer, the pay situation, the application outcomes, etc. seem to be stacking in such a way to let me know that this is NOT the time to go to grad school - that I need to get over myself and just live for a year. If I do end up dazzled by R2, it will be really hard for me to make the decision to go in the face of all this information. 

When I return, I will post my impressions about R2 as soon as I can - so look for that blog on Wednesday. I anticipate needing/wanting as much feedback as possible before 5pmEST with which to make my decision. You guys are all I've got right now to bounce something like this off of, so I will ask for brutally honest opinions only. 

So stay tuned, and in the mean time keep your fingers crossed that this will be an easy decision for me either way. 

Grad School Update

A few of you wrote in the comments on my previous post that you wanted to know what was up with my grad school situation. I realized I hadn't posted at all about it recently, mostly because I felt like I was being a whiner and needed to stop. But some of you guys apparently enjoy my whining, so here's the latest update for you. 

I leave early Sunday morning to go visit the R2 U where I have the tentative acceptance. When my plane lands back in New England on Tuesday night, I will have approximately 17 hours to make my final decision (by myself, as you all know). 

I am flying out with the most open mind possible. I really like the department chair who I have been emailing back and forth with for a month or so now. They seem to be pretty laid-back without being too laid-back, but we'll see when I get there. I learned a lot from my crash course in grad school interviewing back in February, so I think this trip is going to be a million times better. For one thing, it's just me - this isn't a group visiting day. My schedule has been personalized so I am meeting with only faculty members whose interests are at least somewhat related to my own. They're including a housing tour, and the overall trip is longer. I also did not schedule a weekday evening flight, so even if I experience an 8 hour delay, my plane will still get there by 9:30pm - plenty of time to get some sleep before interview day starts on Monday. 

However, new information has come to light in terms of my husband and I's financial situation, dealing with military pay structure and all that. I won't get into all the details unless you guys want me to in another post, but basically, unless something fairly dramatic happens we would be moving out to this R2 with NO savings left. It has largely to do with my job and its budget for summer hours, plus the fact that my husband is getting paid about half of what he thought he was getting paid. He would also be moving out to R2 with no job, no prospects, no nothing, because he won't be released from active duty until September. 

This (somewhat luckily) has freed me from any ambivalence I might have experienced after visiting R2. It means that unless I absolutely love the program, I will be waiting another year. I've decided that I'm okay with this. My husband is much more important to me, and it will be nice to have some time to spend with him again before all the distractions resurface. 

If I decide not to go, I will be actively pursuing paid RA positions. I have just applied for one at my MRU - keep your fingers crossed for me. If I get that job I will be all set - more research experience prior to fall applications and some really great opportunities working for this PI. 

If I am dazzled by R2, I will have to suck it up and do whatever I need to do in order to save up some money before heading out there. If that means taking a second job at Starbucks, I'll do it. I'll also have to look into housing and job opportunities for my husband so he's not left hanging when he gets back. That's the really scary part - being on our own in a new city, me on a grad student stipend, and him likely unemployed for 3-4 months once he gets out there. Our family-starting plans will most likely need to be put on hold until the health insurance situation is under control, because benefits are currently through me and my employer. Cashing out my 401k will help a little, but not enough. 

Literally, up until 2 days ago I thought all was fine on the financial front and this came down to a decision based on personal preferences. This new information has reduced my stress in one area, but has significantly raised it in another. It means that if I choose to go to R2, it will be because I really, really love it there - and that's how it should have been all along. 

I Still Hate Sundays

It's official, I think. I'm depressed. I miss my husband so much that it feels like I can't breathe sometimes. I miss not being able to talk to him about what's going through my head. Instead, I have to lay it on all of you folks. 

At times I think I fucked up. I certainly fucked up things in my marriage last summer. I'll spend the rest of my life making up for them. But beyond that, I was supposed to provide a certain measure of life for my husband and I and our eventual family. My drive to do well came from him. I thought that if I could do what I was supposed to do and do it well, that it would secure our future and also secure his own opportunities to advance. Not to mention our children's. 

I was supposed to go to Yale, Princeton, or Cornell (SFRSHS schools 1, 2, &3). I was supposed to be not only the first person in my family to earn a college degree, but also the first one to earn a PhD, particularly from an Ivy league school. I was supposed to be the one to secure upward mobility. I busted my ass to earn straight A's in college, to get research experience, and to get good GRE scores. I thought I did everything I was supposed to do. Yet I did not get accepted by a single R1 school, let alone the Ivies. 

And the most fucked up thing? I wasn't applying to them because of what they were - if that was the case I would've also applied to Stanford and Harvard. I really wanted to apply to Oxford but could not for the life of me make heads or tails of their admissions process. I always dreamed of going to Oxford, moving to England, bringing up children with British accents. Good thing I didn't apply - it would've meant just one more major disappointment. 

So now I sit here with a tentative acceptance to an R2, a school that I will visit in just a couple of weeks. My husband is really excited at the prospect of moving there, but I don't know if it's because he thinks a move is inevitable or because he really does want to get out of New England for awhile. Even if we do go, chances are we would have to move again for me to complete a post-doc in order to be competitive in the job market. 

But is this what I really want?

I changed my mind when applying to grad school countless times. At first I was just looking for faculty who were researching gender - regardless of whether it was a social, clinical, or counseling program. I removed the clinical programs because I didn't want to add an extra year of internship, and then the counseling programs followed suit. Then I started looking for schools that would allow me to also research psychology and law - something that I thought could give my research a more practical focus. 

And that's how I think I fucked up. There are not many psych and law programs in this country. If I had stuck to my interest in gender I would have had a wider pool of programs to apply to. Granted, the rockstars of gender are all retiring and no longer taking grad students, but there were certainly up-and-comings that would have been great to work with. 

But it's all irrelevant. It's my turn to sacrifice for my marriage and my family. If my husband really wants to move to R2 city and I don't hate it when I visit, I will go and I will do the best work I possibly can. And if I visit and hate it, then I will stay here, try to find a new job, and become a mom with the possibility of revisiting my doctoral aspirations in the future. 

I sat here tonight watching House, and wondering if I should've just gone to medical school. Besides the fact that I don't have the stomach for it, I also can't afford it. But my thoughts have somehow turned from trying to figure out ways to do what I love to figuring out what exactly it is that I love. I used to want to be in the FBI. Now that I'm old enough and have the degree, I hate the idea that I can be moved anywhere in the country that they want to put me. Right now I feel like I just want to make more money than I make right now at a job that's more interesting than the one I have. 

I've thought about everything from PR to book editing. I'm tired of struggling to get into my field. It's getting to the point where I'm not sure I really care anymore. Psychology would be much better with me in it, but fuck 'em if they don't want me and don't see that. 

Shouldn't Be This Difficult

New England is the Higher Education Capital of the World. I can't even count the number of colleges and universities within a 1 hour drive from my house. There are Ivies, Little Ivies, WannaBe Ivies, state universities and colleges, etc., etc. Lots of R1s around here. 

So why the FUCK is it so difficult to find a summer research opportunity? 

I spent most of my morning and early afternoon today trying to find internships, fellowships, etc that I could engage in during the summer in order to gain more research experience before heading off to grad school. 

The NIH gave me nothing. The NSF basically said "Fuck you and your psychology." A more general google search brought up lots and lots and lots of biomed internships, but diddly-shit for psychology. 

Now as far as I know, it would be fruitless to start emailing professors from the Us and Cs nearby, because they generally do not take RAs that do not attend the school. That leaves me with my former MRU, which I really, really want to avoid. I had a hard enough time getting an RA slot when I was a student there. 

There are also no graduate courses being offered this summer. I don't even have that option. 

I don't need to be paid. I don't need co-authorship. What I want is some hardcore methods and stats training so I can go into my grad program with a killer skillset under my belt. Because at this point, it's the R2 U or bust. If I can go in ahead of the game, I am more likely to graduate ahead of the game. 

So I'm asking for ideas and advice. I would love to do a research project of my own this summer - I may be able to do that at my former MRU, but I'm not sure. Unless I finish it and get it published or presented, there would be no official record whatsoever of what I accomplished because I am no longer enrolled there. I don't think I could do it on my own without an institutional affiliation. 

I would really prefer to work under a researcher from another college or university or get an internship/fellowship. But all of my searching so far has been fruitless. 

Any thoughts?